On being a nanny. 

My nanny journey began about 4years ago on the arrival of my 1st niece. Since then my life never remained thesame.  My sister insisted I stay with her tempo-permanently as she began proficient use of her reproductive system . My sister is the last person to suggest a maid to as she has 0% trust for them thanks to series of Nollywood movies she had watched. The calabar ones will snatch your husband almost naturally especially the ekaette’s and imaobong’s .The edo  ones will be using your kitchen utensils to repair the wings they will use to fly at night. The igbo ones will always have this sick mother you’d be sending money to on weekly basis for the treatment of a disease that has no cure  little do you know a mansion is almost completed somewhere in mbaise  with your hard earned money. The Yoruba ones have not wash their pata finish not to talk of washing a baby’s bum. With all these,  I was the one to perfectly fill the gap as her only sister. The quiet little sister who can comfortably inhale a child’s poop while eating Okro soup.

At the time, I had written 2jambs and 1 post ume all to no avail. I thought being a little useful would do no harm. I moved to her house.When my Mom finished her 3months omugwo (baby sitting)  and left,i smelt The pepper I had not tasted in any Yoruba stew. 

It started from the cry of a baby at midnight exactly that time my mates were spiritually in the arms Of their bfs on Mtn free night call. John called me, Ikenna even Ferdinand but where was I? Walking from parlor to dinning singing twinkle twinkle little star to a child who didnt understand the purpose of a lullaby. My Sis would hand the baby over to me  in her words ”you know I was in labour for almost 24hrs, am yet to recover please put her to sleep”

During the day when my Sis is drinking all the malt in the fridge that pregnancy didn’t allow her drink and when she’s eating yam with fish pepper soup, she forgets she was in labour for almost 24hrs until night leaving me to assume the role of a single mother. 

On the arrival of my 2nd niece, I had gained admission. The addition of another disciple to the boat seriously  made me age more than I grew. On days when I don’t Interrupt my romantic dates with ”oh it’s been 1hr 30mins 24secs I left the house, it’s time for the kids to drink golden morn;  you will See Me playing nanny role to a full bearded thirty something year old man who is supposed to be my date with words like:

don’t talk while eating”

”table manners please”

”Chew with your mouth closed baby”

”see your rice is dropping from your mouth”

‘did you forget your beep?”

”why do you Wona use the loo is your diaper full?”

That’s how they all ran with claims that I am an old woman in young body. 

My relationship with this kids became very intimate you’d think I’m their mother especially my first niece because she is light skinned as me.  One time I carried her to get some stuff from a stall.  Getting there the woman who sold opposite carried her. While I stood in the stall queue, this fine guy alighted from a car. Our eyes met. I saw the way he looked at me like ‘baby Watchu doing tonight’. When I was about replying my line, the lady brought back my niece crying. My niece didn’t give me the opportunity to yell  ”don’t worry little niece, your mother is at home’,  instead she coiled in my arms and ceased crying like I was her long lost mother. My crush look was now perched between gbese and unbreak my heart. When I was about leaving the stall he said ”your child is so pretty, you husband must be lucky to have you”.

Abeg which husband ? When did he marry me and where was the venue?   My heart was broken beyond words. 

The last incident that I am yet to recover from happened about a year ago on the arrival of my first nephew. I went on a date with this guy I met on SM. It was our first date since he was in Nigeria and I in Cotonou. The date was going smoothly until He asked what I brought for him from Cotonou. He had asked that I brought a Cotonou kind of thing for him and I was sure I deposited it in my handbag that morning.  I opened my bag but couldn’t find the item. It was a small tight bag hence I needed to pull things out to have access to the bottom of it. The first thing I brought out was my powder, power bank, next thing was baby spoon. 

 Him:Baby you got me a baby spoon? 

Me:no way bby.. I’m coming

Next thing I pulled out was  a beep

Him: hey, you have a baby?

Brothers and sisters before I could say ‘no’,  I brought out a feeding bottle. That was how he left and never contacted me again. 

I got home enraged, summoned the kids. The 1st pointed at the 2nd, the 2nd at the 3rd. A boy who can’t kill fly. To make things easier I called my parents to propose getting my own apartment. The first thing I heard was ”who wil marry you, have you ever heard that a girl stayed alone and married?” Since all they cared about was marriage did they bother asking how many successful dates I have had since I started growing breast?  do people just wake up and marry?

Anyway my request to get a house was declined. here I am still trapped in the den of kids. thank God for The presence of a maid. I probably would have been single forever. 

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