Yesterday, I took up a challenge to delete numbers off my phone. You know, some people have been destined to become ‘matter’ in our lives. Their ambition is to have weight and occupy space on our contact lists. They won’t shift, they won’t adjust, they won’t move. Year to year, this set of people wont flash. They won’t call. They won’t text. They won’t send credit , even common money they won’t send. Their calling is to send bc’s Upandan. The kind of bc that reads ‘Jesus turned water to wine. Send this to 100ppl and watch all the water in your house turn to wine in 2mins’. Without these people telling you anything, you already know that someone somewhere has tampered with their destiny.
PS: If you don’t have these people on your list, chances are, you ain’t Nigerian!
Anyways, I was busy erasing, deleting, dusting, wiping and cleansing my contact when my sister came in from wherever with a baco bag. I was gon’ ignore her with the unattractive bag before I inhaled an ambrosial scent which seemed to come from inside of the bag. The aroma facilely drove me to the 90’s punchline ‘Mr biggs, the Mr biggs… Mr biggs, what a delicious experience!..
I started laughing mumuly as i told her our family history. How she was the best sister in the world, how she never allowed me to starve & how in another life, I’d choose her as my sister. She knew it wasn’t something I’d say on a good day. In fact, I had never sounded that attached or clingy in all our years of sisterhood so she was looking at me like ‘are you sure you don’t have malaria’?
I chose to ignore her as I threw all my focus on the bag she was now offloading on the dining table. After I had watched pampers, baby wipes, baby cereals get tossed out, I saw something that looked like a meat pie inside a transparent nylon.
Oh meat pie….kikiki.. All my hours of hunger finally paid off. keep the rest coming’.
I was looking forward to the rest of the pies when she neatly folded the baco bag and returned it to the kitchen. Jesus Christ! she only bought one! I had expected her to buy up-to 4/5 Bcos she has 3kids (2girls and a boy) +myself. Why on earth would she get 1meat pie? How were we supposed to share it? I am a very hungry person when I’m hungry and I get angry if proper measures are not taken to refill my voluminous stomach.
Furious, i walked to the dinning to take a proper look at the meatpie and dang! it was sexy. Looked pure! If it was human, it would be a virgin or have a maximum of 2 body counts. To add to it’s credits, that meatpie was hot! The sexy bitch just got outta the oven. In all sincerity, the last time i had a meat pie that appealing was when Obasanjo was the president of Nigeria. Speedily, i addressed a letter to the meatpie in my heart.
Dear sexy meatpie,
It is obvious you are doing fine. From the way you are lying seductively on my dining table, you may think you have it all together, but only God can forgive me for how mercilessly I’m going to grind you. You have no choice but to forgive me too bcos the bible says that right from the times of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of God suffers violence and only the violent takes it by force! Dear meatpie, I want to take you by force. You are my portion in the land of the living. I want to be violent with you bcos we are in perilous times. If I don’t eat you, who knows, tomorrow, you may eat me! It is with great grief that Il notify you friends and loved ones about your departure. It saddens my heart! Rest well in the Bossom of my intestines. Yours,…..
Before i could sign my letter, My Sis grabbed the pie, beckoned her kids over & divided it amongst them without any left for me. Really? after how long i had worked as her nanny? …
‘Where is my own’? I asked as tears gathered my eyes.
‘Are you a child’? She replied.
Oh! so now I’m not a child b/cos I have an embassy full of hair in my private? I am not a child but when i go out like an adult, you call me at 30mins intervals saying how you think I’m not grown enough to take good care of myself, and all of a sudden, I am now an adult? Ok
I soon noticed how those kids that usually gathered me like pimples, now avoided me like plague b/cos they got meat pies in their hands. I took my phone and went to my music library then played Davido’s FIA. Those kids love that song. They were gradually dabbing to my direction. I told them to dab harder. Anything to make the meat pies fall from their hands so I could dab it in my own hands. They were kids obviously, but their hands were literally that if a 30 something year old man. Their grip was so tight that no single crumb made it to the ground. When i realised my tactic wasn’t working, I asked the youngest to come. He is 2years old. I asked him if he wanted to watch cartoon on my phone. He nodded. I asked him to follow me to my room and he concurred. Half way into the room, I squatted to height zero and said ‘gimme meat pie‘. He smiled. ‘I am not smiling with you, just lemme cut small’ he nodded. I hurriedly pinched from his, but b4 i could throw it inside my mouth, small Oga exploded like time bomb. jeez! Why this blackmail? Why did you say I should take when it wasn’t from your heart? I didn’t know if to throw it inside my mouth or on the ground as he cried louder. I was gon’ throw the piece into my mouth when the other little soldiers gathered to save their brother & my Sis led the troop. She asked what happened and small Oga pointed at my hand without conscience.
Sis: show me your palm
Me: (uncurls fingers to reveal the meatpie lying miserable on my palm) it’s small i took.
Sis: why did you have to take his thing?
1st niece: Michael sorry (consoling small Oga) Don’t mind our beggy beggy Aunty!
They proceeded one after the other shaking their heads and i could bet they murmured ‘beggy beggy Aunty’ enroute.
Later that day, I ambushed little Oga in our kitchen store, poked his nose & told him we’d remake One Nollywood movie titled fire for fire as it was now his world against mine. He smiled shyly and toddled off. Did his cute smile pierce my Awwwn button? NO!!!!
Those children called me beggy beggy Aunty for the rest of yesterday and shame clothed me. Right now, I need to start plotting my revenge movie. Fire for fire part 3a. Pls no one should come here and tell me vengeance is of the lord! Mba! Today, vengeance is my own! It was me they called beggy beggy Aunty not the Lord! You won’t know how it hurts until they do it to you. Please, don’t come here to form assistant Holy Ghost. I Just need you to help me plot this sweet revenge! Ideas are appreciated!