Roommate moments

Before I got to the university, I was Nicki Minaj’s doppelganger but 3months into the semester, i turned bonga fish! I remember going to the market with my thin waist to buy jeans. I followed one market boy to their shop. After he ransacked their bales of trousers to look for jeans my size but to no avail, his Oga dragged him to one side ”emeka I have told you severally, stop bringing this kind sticks here! their size no dey market”.

I couldn’t believe it was my pounds and dollar  waist they were discriminating  like it belonged to a 2year old. They didn’t know I heard them. I  looked at the Oga and told him I would  be alive to see the girl he would marry. I infuriatedly left the market, took my stick waist to the nearest pharmacy to ask for waist supplements.

Then in school, I had this roommate who was way bigger than me. Though we starved together physically, she seemed to be eating spiritually. The more we starved, the wider she grew. I wanted to confront her on the issue but the fear of compression was the beginning of wisdom. We would mount a bike together, when we passed someone we knew, they asked her if i was at home not knowing i was in the middle of her and the bike man –  between the 2 walls of Jericho . She was literally my canopy.

The ruinous depreciation of Naira was the reason we fasted almost all the time. Sometimes in the morning, we would  brush our teeth, perceive the aroma from our neighbour’s food then we go back to sleep. In our minds, we had eaten breakfast. Naira had little value. No amount of Naira we were sent was ever enough. Cefa was preferable, hence Benenise men thought they could be hot cakes for once since their independence.

Along the struggle, my roomate met this Benenise man, (Let’s call him Mr x)  who had a thing for Chubby girls. He took her out once and after that first take out, he pressured for sex. this man was really thin. I wondered  how he would handle my roommate. Which style exactly would meet him and not kill him? In his words, ”Benenise men like Fuck”. That was how I gave one  my number. Since he was a doctor, I presumed he must have taken enough medication for sense boost. The first text I got from him read ”pretty, you know I like fuck”? I took the next sec to block his Fuck Fuck ass. 

 Anyway after Mr x asked for Fuck but didn’t get, he stopped calling. He later called at a time we needed money to pay light bills as our light was already disconnected. Roommate told him about it and he promised to be her hero if only she would allow him enter the place. He said he would come by 10pm and ordered her to send me out from the house as he appreciates space in times of action. She told him I had gone to Nigeria.

 It was almost 11pm yet no sign of him. We got in our nightwears  to retire to bed then a knock on the door. I holed up in the toilet while She opened the door. You needed to hear the energy in this thin man’s voice. He was really ready for any kind of action. My assumption was confirmed when I heard my roomate say ”so you even brought condom”. The laughter i concealed made me drop urine on myself. Oga wanted to do Nigerian girl but didn’t want to contact Nigerian infection. She asked him to give her the money and he did. She asked him to go under the sheets as she liked doing it undercover. X  immediately wrapped himself with the sheets head to toe like Lazarus.  Then, My roomie appraised me in Ibo to go outside -she  had left the door unlocked. As I crept,  almost running out of breath from enshrouded laughter, Looking at them was like the  time Mary and Martha came to see Lazarus wrapped in his death linen. Soon after I got outside, my roomie asked him to remove his clothes. He asked her to go first.

Roomie: see let’s do this thing fast fast before someone will knock o.

It seemed Mr x heeded and started removing his clothes. He kept showering her with praises while she threw abuses at him in ibo. Mr x didn’t understand but he embraced it with love and hard dick. One sec later,  My roomie  beeped me which meant i should knock. I knocked with the speed of thunder and she opened. 

Roomie: this girl why did you come back? 

Me: I came with good news from the lord 

Man:(eyes popped like ostrich) but you suppose to dey Nigeria

Me: yes o! Mr Lazarus. I am just coming back. I took night bus. help me thank God for journey mercy. Stand up and walk thus says the lord to you abi  you  still want to be Lazarus? 

My attempts to hold my laughter was  0.0% I couldnt stop myslf from laughing anymore. The look on his face was epic. I checked his crutch point to see how  lil Laz was doing and trust me, he was very lengthy and aggressive. So Mr x thin body was just to confuse and not to convince? That’s the reason you should never judge a book by its cover. He finally stood up in frustration and left.  you See this life? If they had asked  Mr x  to play the role  Lazarus in stage drama, he would say he’s too big for it and that acting is not his talent but just negodu this Fuck Fuck man now.


9 Replies to “Roommate moments”

  1. ”emeka I have told you severally, stop bringing this kind sticks here! their size no dey market”. I can’t deal! The rest of the post is just a mess haha! Too brilliant

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