After the comical episode where Mr x was the lead actor, we were able to pay our light bill which was the only thing we could boast of aside having big iron pots that were now homes for spiders, rats and roaches. They probably figured we weren’t using them anymore hence built their tabernacle. They kept reproducing effortlessly. None of them even thought of doing family planning neither did they think a time would come when we need our pots to resume cooking but unfortunately for their fertile ass, God remembered us. One of my roomie’s friend (call her G) was coming to stay with us as she had accommodation problem. Even without asking her for anything, she promised to bring and give everything. She asked how we were faring, we told her Ijebu garri is the saviour of the world. She said when she arrived, we would never visit ijebu again. She said she was bringing lot of foodstuffs so we shouldn’t bother buying in retail anymore- as if we were buying before. She said she would be cooking everyday as staying in the kitchen was her major hobby. That Sunday, my roommate and I went to church for thanksgiving. we used our small pots, plates and spoon as offering. We were deliberately getting rid of the small utensils since we won’t be needing them as our food will now be cooked in very large portions with big pots. After Church that sunday, I made a food roaster in advance to balanced diet.
I was about pasting the roaster on the wall when a knock came through the door. G had arrived. I quickly put away my roaster to help her carry her possessions. The Ghana must go she carried was 24 in 1. It could swallow me and still have space. With my thin waist and hands, my roomate and I dragged the big bag into the kitchen for offloading. When I perceived the scent of stockfish inside the bag, I changed my whatsapp status to ”when God says yes, who can say no”
I started by complimenting everything about her
Me: OMG your hair is the longest hair I have ever seen
G: oh no. It’s a weavon obviously
Me: oh really?But you breathe really nice. Is that how you people breathe in your family?
Me: your yam Legs are pretty & they look foreign. were u born with it?
Her: no response
Me: you must be a lady of few words. A woman of virtue. Can you be my role model?
As at the time, my roomate was helping her offload her box of clothes then she came across a shirt she liked ”G, this shirt fine, can I wear it sometime” she said as they were thesame body size. ”pls don’t wear mine, I won’t wear yours” G replied and the eyes she rolled were yet to settle back to normal. While my roommate might have picked an offence, I understood G. People like her don’t share clothes, they rather give you money to go buy yours. My roomie’s mind was recessed and shallow and I almost buried her alive with my eyes. Few hours later, G said she was hungry and needed to fix herself something to eat. I went to the kitchen to bring out the biggest pot for her to use.
Her: this pot is too big, am I cooking for the whole Africa.
Me: oh is it? Why is it looking very small to me?
She picked the smallest pot and cooked quarter cup of rice. She said she was managing her rice, economy was bad. She put the rice on fire and I became a monitoring spirit over the rice. I basically lived inside the kitchen with the pot of rice until it was cooked. She ate about three plates before asking us if we were hungry. my roomie and I took spoons and ate the few grains directly from the pot since dishing it into plates will be an insult to the god of plates. That was the last time G cooked in the house. She didn’t cook and didn’t want us to cook with her stuffs. She kept checking her salt and pepper to see how they reduced and on daily basis we heard things like ”did you guys cook today with my salt? If yes, how many cm did you guys use. One day she came home from god knows where, packed her stockfish,onion,tomato paste, salt and pepper, threw them into her ghana must go and locked it with the mightiest padlock. The type that is used to lock people’s destiny. If there was a river close by, she would have thrown the keys just to be sure we won’t have access to them. The only thing she left unpacked was rice. My roomate and I survived on the rice for a period she traveled. When she got back the first thing she said was ‘you guys have pounced on my rice like gluttons”. I sighed. I couldn’t believe I wasted my ink to make a roaster that never graced the wall. My dreams of chicken Peri Peri and assorted meats turned to drinking garri with kwilikwili. i was ashamed to even tell anyone I made a roaster. G is the only person I know that can use a satchet of Milo(20g) 4 times and still keep the wrapper for proper survey. Fast-forward to a time my roomate and I tried to get back at her for being an aka gum. We used any of her stuffs we could lay hands on. When she got back and asked, we told her the mother rat whose husband died 9yrs ago finally remarried and rats from the neighborhood came to congratulate her. One time she bought a pack of Coca Cola, left it in the house and travelled for over a month. My roomate started from taking just 1 bottle then it equalled 4. She said she would replace it before G came back. One hazy Saturday afternoon, a knock came through the door only for me to open and G was in front of me. My roomate didn’t know if to enter the ground or fly through the window. She first gave a defending speech of ”G so you can’t call before coming abi? You think this is your father’s house? What if we were not around”? That was before G noticed that her coke was shorting 4 bottles. All hell was let loose. I became a lawyer, Interpreter, referee and coach. It was a WWE SmackDown! If by chance, you are still waiting for World War III to happen, go and sleep! It already happened in my house months back. Help me thank God there were no casualties.