How google fought my battle.

When you check every girl’s Mr Right criterion, the first thing you’d see is ‘he must be Godfearing’. Which was exactly how I felt about Mr B. We met in church during a seven days power packed crusade titled ‘I must possess my possession’. He was the leader of A. Y. F (Anglican youth fellowship), he was a member of EFAC, he was the leader of the intercessory prayer group, his younger brother was an altar server, his mother was the leader of the women of faith group, his father was a knight in the church, Mr B was tall, dark  had red lips and a job. 

‘which other Godfearing can be more Godfearing than this Godfearing’? -i asked myself while pondering on the topic ‘I must possess my possession’.

Though Mr B sat far from me physically at the crusade,  he was sitting in the parlour of my heart spiritually. I imagined us cutting our wedding cake, I imagined him making me Egusi soup while I sat there rubbing my protruding baby bump.  I imagined him taking the kids to school. I imagined us strolling to heaven together courtesy  of his Godfearing attribute. 

The minister at the crusade was divine. He kept emphasizing on reasons we must possess our possessions and each time he said ‘brethren you must possess your possession’,  I turned and stared at Mr B  – my own possession in the land of the living. When the minister said ‘don’t stop till you possess it’  what I heard was ‘don’t stop till you possess him’. Rounding up the sermon, the minister made an alter call ‘if you are single and in need of a spouse,come to the altar’. Mr B raced forth. 

I realised he was even single and ready to mingle. Yemi Alade’s 🎢🎢baby, me and you, sitting on the tree K.I.S.S.I.N.G🎢🎢  was on repeat in my head as I observed him from my corner. 

It was time for deliverance and the congregation were  already falling deftly under anointing. Though I wasn’t the kind to fall during deliverance services, It was the most  godly way to reach to my other half. it got to my turn to be delivered but before the minister’s hand reached my forehead, I somersaulted, twirled, rotated under my own anointing till I got to where Mr B stood. I looked in his eyes and fell in his arms -our Indian love story began. After church, we talked. He said I was friendly, innocent and a Christian at heart. I told him he was  handsome and Godfearing. He quoted Matthew 4:4 and backed it up with some prophetic declaration. I blushed, he was the bone of my bone. He said we should keep the spirit-filled friendship going. He took my number. I came home that day and asked my people to start preparing my marriage  list. From time to time, Mr B would call. Any slight headache I had, he prayed for me. Before I ate,pooped,  slept, he would pray for me. One time  we were on the phone and Nepa took my light, I told him and he said we needed to pray for Nepa to bring back the light. We prayed, sang, did revival but for all we knew, Nepa officials are edo indigens. They didn’t even flash the light. The next day I heard they had carried our transformer. 

After months of E-affair, We decided to hook up. He texted me his house address and I visited him on a weekend. He stayed in a well furnished 2bedroom flat. The 2nd room would be our children’s room – I thought. After going round the house,  I figured  we needed  to change the curtains, the kitchen cabinet and buy more cutleries. Mr B asked that we should pray to invite Angel Gabriel to our midst and we did. After prayers,  he connected his phone to his deck and ‘break every chain’ was on repeat. I felt Angels trooping in and lingering in the air. I thought I heard them whisper ‘congratulations our wife’. Mr B asked what I wanted to drink. I said something soft. He took his wallet and said he would be back in a jiffy. fast-forward to 5minutes and he wasn’t back. I wanted to change the song as I felt all the chains were already broken. I picked up his phone, luckily he didn’t have a password. I went to his music library to see that Mr B only had few gospel songs.  Maybe he had another memory card-i defended him. I shuffled to one Don moen’s song . I liked the song and needed to get its lyrics. I went to his google search as I didn’t have mb on my own phone. Somehow, I slid to his google history and brethren, I couldn’t believe  what my God fearing husband has been talking to google about. 

*please how do you know if you have HIV? 

*why do women love doggy style?……. 

*List of foods that will make you last minimum of 5hours in bed….. 

*What is the best remedy for someone addicted to threesome? 

* I am addicted to threesome

*Best sites to  download  threesome videos 

*Do I have HIV? 

*What type of STI makes you cough everywhere? 

*STIs and their symptoms 

*Best Bible app for Android 

*Best foam in Nigeria for sexing

*I have been coughing for 2weeks, is it HIV? 

I stood like a hypnotized goat in wonderland. My BP was rising abruptly and I sweated profusely. when Mr B walked in, I immediately  took cover because  the fear of HIV  is the beginning of wisdom.

He handed me the bottle of coke but I didn’t remember asking him for a drink. All I wanted to do was ask google if Mr B had HIV.  I wanted to go to the hospital to run a test. What if I had contacted it physically by my spiritual marriage with him? What is the cure for spiritual HIV?  I didn’t have the patience to ask him if he was positive. Why would he be that inquisitive over a disease if  he didn’t have it. I looked at him with all love equalling  hate. Mr B  saw I wasn’t comfortable as I was in the beginning.  He tried to make me feel at home

”sister peace, relax! Do you need the AC and the fan on”? he asked. 
brother mister B, even if you remove the roof, all I want to do now is go home. How could you Mr B? So upon all your everyday church and prayer, you were slyly the c.e.o of threesome squad and a deligent HIV candidate? You wickedly deceived me to the extent of marrying you spiritually even when you hadn’t paid bride price  Abi? Heartless he goat –  i said in my mind, staring truculently.

He asked what happened in his absence. If he had offended me. He further went to say how he felt about me. He said he wanted to marry me. I told him it wasn’t possible as I was still a child in the eyes of God. When he became persistent, I told him I would date him but first, I had an issue we needed to pray about. He brought out his Bible and wore his intercessory apron.  I told him that for several years, I noticed all the guys who date me end up running mad after 7days. He closed his Bible and asked me to direct  the matter to the vicar of our church. He never shook hands with  me again not to talk of marrying me. He never called again. Even when I called to ask if he still wanted to marry me, He never picked. That was how google saved me from an assumed disease and from a man who only enjoyed sex with 6 legs under the sheets while he was saved from a  madnes that wasn’t looking for him. 

17 Replies to “How google fought my battle.”

  1. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Shebi na u wan possess possession..U for dey dere na make Mr B finish you..All tht glitters no b gold o..Shine your eyesπŸ˜‚…Nice one babe

  2. OMG…this write up is a keeper, this piece is hilarious and also enlightening. The one that did it for me was when I saw ‘the next day NEPA carried our transformer’… Lol…niceee

  3. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ you have killed me with laughter. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Thank God for Google. I think I will start going through any potential boyfriend/husband browser history.

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