Last weekend , almost everything that has breath got married and since I wasn’t getting married, I was recruited to the bridal train committee as usual.
Friday night at around 8p. m, I was roaming round Lagos in a bid to get to Ogudu for a bridal shower. I eventually got to the supposed hotel and after talking with the receptionist, it seemed I was at the wrong place. I carried my bag of clothes and went outside as she threatened to call security if I continued asking her about a room I never booked. While I sat on a chunk of wood close to the gate, I stopped everyone who walked pass and asked;
‘sorry sir, are you also here for the bridal shower’?
‘sorry ma, have you heard about any bridal shower holding here’?
‘sorry sir, are you also part of the bridal train’?
Most of the people I spoke to must have thought I was mad, thanks to my synthetic weave that spiked at the slightest breeze. Finally, I saw this man whom my spirit aligned with. I went to him to tell him my story, but before I could introduce my Situation, Oga barked in his thick calorific voice ”I don’t have money”! He should thank his god I didn’t have needles inside my bag that day, I would have burst his pot belly, reducing his shirt size from xxl to medium
I had made up my mind to return to my house when the brain twisted receptionist came to tell me 3 rooms were actually booked for the bridal shower and she wasn’t well informed.
”Oh yeah.. How would you be well informed? when your mates were asking to be informed, you were there asking Alhaji to make you his 16th wife”.
If you think I said that out loud, you are wrong. She was actually plus sized and I wasn’t prepared to die yet. I couldn’t even pretend to be angry for fear of her compressing me. I kept smiling as she led me to one of the booked rooms. Posh king sized bed, fancy sheet, decent chairs and mostly notably, an Intact A. C. Barely 10mins I started feeling at home, there was a knock on the door. I opened to see two ladies dressed like they were about to take over the world. Big butts, big boobs, big boots, ripped jeans, makeup, one wore a winter jacket, the other wore a kimono. I was looking like the house girl in their midst.
” I’m guessing we are all here for thesame bridal shower” -i yelled before they would think I was the room cleaner .
From the way they chatted effortlessly, it was obvious they were long time friends. They dropped their bags at the rear of the bed and were just settling their oversized butts when a phone rang.
Lady winter jacket: This Johnson is still calling me. How could he think of buying me an iPhone 6 when iPhone 8 has been launched.
Lady kimono: Lagos guys are too stingy Abeg. Abuja all the way. pity him and pick his call sha.
Lady winter jacket bulged and two minutes later, lady kimono’s phone rang. I already knew it was an Abuja parole.
They both took different sides of the room, blushing over the phone. I was the only one whose phone was useless the entire period. Not as if I had flat battery.
About 30minutes later, my phone finally rang. The speed I used in grabbing it would make you think it was my destiny that was ringing. I picked up and it was my girlfriend. I won’t say I wasn’t disappointed but at all at all na em bad pass. If I hadn’t called out her name at the beginning of the call, It would have been easier to pretend it was Otedola who called. I would have blushed, catwalked and told him to take me to Paris to eat pizza. After the phone call season & we ensued In a conversation, I figured they were both choristers from thesame church. Lady kimono asked why my endowments were that tiny. I told her it was nature’s doing. Lady winter jacket said some people preferred it small while majority, in abundance. She said if I needed breast enlargement and butt enlargement cream I should tell her. -i pitied myself.
Sooner, the bride to be arrived with three other ladies and asked us to get in our bridal shower attire of white shirt on blue jeans. After we dressed, we went to the bigger room to display the bridal shower madness. We were 6 in number and the sash was more than enough. The bride was handing out the sash and when it got to my turn she handed the one tagged ‘I am sexy’ to me. -i didn’t know if she was playing a game of sarcasm. Other sash read ‘I am easy’, ‘Fuck off bitches, his mine’, ‘I am a sweet freak’ e.t.c.
During the photoshoot, it seemed I was the only one the camera man saw.
” Miss I am sexy, give me that sassy smile”
”Miss I am sexy, give me that monkey pose”
”Miss I am sexy, how about you do that doggy pose”..
”Miss I am sexy, do like you want to dance shoki’
I was tired of being ‘ Miss I am sexy’. It was past midnight before the camera man allowed us rest. We had few hrs sleep before the big Saturday wedding. Come Saturday, It was a struggle getting in my bridal train gown . It took the help of the bride, The other bridal train and the camera man to help me fit in that dress. it was the tightest thing ever. I dont know what I did to my tailor to deserve such punishment. Initially when she brought the dress, it was loose so I asked her to make it more sexy. I didn’t know she had other plans for me. All Through that wedding, I walked like a robot. I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t dance, no brother asked me if I was single or searching, I couldn’t even eat. Now when I think of my tailor Aunty Vivian, I can only imagine pursuing her in her dreams with a big hammer and each day that passes, I see reasons why my imagination should become reality.