I mentioned Somewhere in my introduction that I wasn’t ready to serve yet right? Well, I thought to officially announce to the people of Africa that my decision not to go for NYSC any sooner, was not terrorist inspired. I am tired of people looking at me like i’m Abubakar Shekau, just after I tell them how I feel about serving Nigeria.
I went for an interview early October and a lady from the panel asked me if I had served. I said ‘no’.
‘don’t you want to serve your fatherland after all it has done for you’? She asked.
‘This one you are just smiling. you don’t want to serve your fatherland, how are we sure you even want to serve this company’?
I felt like releasing hot fart in her umbrella nose for uttering such abomination. In my mind, I was already giving her 25strokes of that specie of cane they call ‘pankere’. The only glue that held my lips from replying her was that of unemployment and the zeal to increase my bank account balance from NGN1050.50 to Dangote’s figure. I would have asked her to recite all the stanzas of the national anthem,pledge and Nigeria’s ancestral creed since she claimed to be more patriotic than Buhari.
Yesterday, I rummaged my bags to see if breeze had miraculously blown someone’s 2,000naira to me so I could go make my hair. You needed to see the way I was searching for this money like I kept it there. My Sister asked me what I was looking for and I bellowed ‘my money!’. She asked if I misplaced it, i told her I might have misplaced it spiritually. She burst into laughter and said if I had gone to serve, I’d be receiving alawee that would cover for almost all my needs. She said I should be grateful it’s now 19,800naira as in her own time it was just 9,500naira.
Everyone keeps talking about NYSC like its one vacation in Paris where i’ll just be walking up and down in bikini, sipping champagne , taking pictures of birds in the sky and in the end, be paid 19,800 for being Nigerian and alive. Incase you haven’t heard, There is a whole lot of labour in that NYSC than in any labour room.
Preparing for NYSC is almost like preparing to look for the egg of life in the evil forest. First, I will have to fast, pray and speak in native tongues for me not to deployed to those states that are only relevant when we reading ’36 states and capital’. In line with my prayers, I have to ask God to provide money for me to buy Atleast 1 Ghana bag of nylon that I will be using to shot put in peace. I heard their toilets are always messy and for someone like me who loves to do her business invariably , It will be rather unfair to deny my anus the justice it deserves.
I will have to write a letter to notify my nostrils of all the body odour it will have to accomodate from the east, west, north and south. I also have to purchase food items like stock fish, Maggi, pepper, salt e.t.c for the times i have to spice my own food. I heard their food has 0%taste especially their beans that is always surrounded by water. Please don’t come here to suggest marmi market to me unless you are ready to bless my brokelyn ministry you hear?
Again, I will have to take holy water along to bind those brothers that will say their pastor told them i’m their future wife. Those brothers that only come to camp to steal, kill and destroy someone’s destiny. they will tell you they love you and that they see their future kids in your eyes. Next thing, they’ll take you to the bush to practically converse, but before you know what’s happening, soldiers have caught you. The next day, you are decamped. Linda Ikeji will carry the news and the headline will read ‘sex starved female Corper caught inside the bush with 32yrs old male Corper who is also a father of 4’. Her commentators will be like;
‘just negodu this Dick headed girl, Shebi na Dick go kill you’
‘Konji no get respect again sha o’
‘Abeg body no be wood… Would it have been better if konji killed her?
‘Na the mumu wey marry this girl I dey pity, see her face like local pidgin’……..
The whole country will criticise and shame the lady, while hailing the man for having an erection.
Still on the list of preparations, I will have to prepare myself to be a witch who wakes by 3a.m to start a new day that should technically start by 7a.m. I also have to buy books and download apps on ‘how to be a monkey’ because I know i will have to climb trees, walk on ropes that are tied to trees and be comfortable enough to pose on them for pictures -ok.
I will not forget to adopt ostrich eyes to capture those ones who have fathers and god fathers in house of Senate, house of representative and aso rock. I heard there are lots of influential people there in camp and heaven knows I won’t forgive myself if in the end, I realised that the Obinna I clung to b/cos of his British accent has as a matter of fact, not crossed common benin Republic border but only acquired that British accent the day he printed his call up letter.
Lastly, let us take a minute to consider how that khaki will unapologetically buy visa for my butts to travel to kafanchan. I have seen people my body size say rest in peace to their buttocks once it’s buried in that khaki. is that how someone will find husband after being un-assed for a full year? In the end, I will now be posted to teach mathematics in one school close to okija shrine. Then, I will have to live the rest of the year, hearing oracles chant and also miserably watching my students do to me what I did to my teachers in high school. – Now how on earth will I survive all these?
P. S: for those that promised to send recharge cards if I made a post today, well I just did, so keep the cards coming😀….