Between me ,NYSC and all it’s palava. 

I mentioned Somewhere in my introduction that  I wasn’t ready to serve yet right? Well, I thought to officially announce to the people of Africa that my decision not to go for NYSC any sooner, was not terrorist inspired. I am tired of people looking at me like i’m Abubakar Shekau, just after I tell them how I feel about serving Nigeria.

I went for an interview early October and a lady from the panel asked me if I had served.  I said ‘no’.     

 ‘don’t you want to serve your fatherland after all it has done for you’?  She asked

 I smiled

‘This one you are just smiling. you don’t want to serve your fatherland, how are we sure you even want to serve this company’? 

 I felt like releasing hot fart in her umbrella  nose for uttering such abomination. In my mind, I was already giving her 25strokes of that specie of cane they call ‘pankere’. The only glue that held my lips from replying her was  that of unemployment and the zeal to increase my  bank account balance from NGN1050.50 to Dangote’s figure. I would have asked her to recite  all the stanzas of the national anthem,pledge and Nigeria’s ancestral creed since she claimed to be more patriotic than Buhari. 

Yesterday, I rummaged my bags to see if breeze had miraculously  blown someone’s 2,000naira to me so I could go make my hair. You needed to see the way I was searching for this money  like I kept it there. My Sister asked me what I was looking for and I bellowed ‘my money!’. She asked if I misplaced it, i told her I might have  misplaced it spiritually. She burst into laughter and said if I had gone to serve, I’d be receiving  alawee  that would cover for almost all my needs. She said I should be grateful it’s now 19,800naira as in her own time it was just 9,500naira.

Everyone keeps talking  about NYSC like its one vacation in Paris  where i’ll just be walking up and down in  bikini, sipping champagne , taking pictures of birds in the sky and  in the end, be paid 19,800 for being Nigerian and alive. Incase you haven’t  heard, There is a whole lot of labour in that NYSC than in any labour room. 

Preparing for NYSC is almost  like preparing  to look for the egg of life in the evil forest. First, I will have to fast, pray and speak in native tongues for me not to  deployed to those states that are only relevant when we reading ’36 states and capital’. In line with my prayers,  I have to ask God to provide  money  for me to buy Atleast 1 Ghana bag   of nylon that I  will be  using  to shot put in peace. I heard their toilets are always messy and for someone like me who loves to do her business  invariably ,  It will be rather unfair to deny  my anus the justice it deserves. 

I will have to write a letter to notify my nostrils of  all the body odour it will have to accomodate  from the east, west, north and south. I also have to purchase food items like stock fish, Maggi, pepper, salt e.t.c for the times i  have to spice  my own food. I heard their food has  0%taste especially their beans that is always surrounded by water. Please don’t come here to suggest marmi market to me unless you are ready to bless my brokelyn ministry you hear? 

Again, I will have to take holy water along to bind those brothers that will say their pastor told them i’m their future  wife. Those brothers that only come to camp to steal, kill and destroy someone’s destiny.   they will tell you they love you and that they see their future kids in your eyes. Next thing, they’ll take you to the bush to practically converse, but before you know what’s happening, soldiers have caught you. The next day, you are decamped. Linda Ikeji  will carry the news and the headline will read ‘sex starved female Corper caught inside the bush with 32yrs old male Corper who is also a father of 4’. Her commentators will be like;

 ‘just negodu this Dick headed girl, Shebi na Dick go kill you’

‘Konji no get respect again sha o’

‘Abeg body no be wood… Would it have been better if konji killed her?

‘Na the mumu wey marry this girl I dey pity, see her face like local pidgin’……..
The whole country will criticise and shame the lady, while hailing the man for having an erection.

Still on the list of preparations, I will have to prepare myself to be a witch who wakes by 3a.m to start a new day that should technically start by 7a.m. I also have to buy books and download apps on ‘how to be a monkey’ because I know i will  have to climb trees, walk on ropes that are tied to trees and be comfortable enough to pose on them for pictures -ok. 

I will not forget to adopt ostrich eyes  to capture those ones who have fathers and god fathers  in house of Senate, house of representative  and aso rock. I heard there are lots of influential people there in camp and  heaven knows I won’t forgive myself if in the end, I realised that the Obinna I clung to b/cos of his British accent has as a matter of fact, not crossed common benin Republic  border but only  acquired that British accent the day he printed his call up letter. 

Lastly, let us take a minute to consider how that khaki will unapologetically buy visa for my butts to travel to kafanchan. I have seen people my body size say rest in peace to their buttocks once it’s buried in that khaki. is that how someone will find husband after being un-assed for a full year?  In the end, I will now be posted to teach mathematics in one school close to okija shrine. Then, I will have to live the rest of the year, hearing oracles chant and also miserably watching my students do to me what I did to my teachers in high school.  –  Now how on earth will I survive all these? 
P. S: for those that promised to send recharge cards if I made a  post today, well I just did, so keep the cards coming😀….


30 Replies to “Between me ,NYSC and all it’s palava. ”

  1. Hahaha…don’t be scared dear,NYSC is not that bad..Beautiful piece dearie…you keep getting better and better with each new writeup.keep it up..
    Oya recharge cards o..even from those that did not promise initially..hehehe

  2. _Lol…. Pls when you finally buy that how to be a monkey book,borrow me because I wnt to serve & pose on top rope… Keep writing bae,recharge card or no recharge card…_

  3. Hahaha… this is hilarious. It’s not as bad as you think. My service year was great! Although, the first two months didn’t go so well. And yes, you need to take nylons and a small bucket to camp o. My mum bought me 100 small and big nylons each 😂

  4. My dear those telling u nt to b scared dey r lying to u..I’m currently serving and it’s nt funny 😢😢😢..Pls did Dangote and Otedola serve? Cos I’m not understanding abi Davido with 30 billion in his acct tht is even our age mate did he serve..This Life is just but a Pot of Hot Beans😢😢

  5. Having served at the united states of America.

    Nysc, i mean Aysc isnt that bad😂


  6. Its not that serious now… you are very hilarious. Not all camps are unkept o, bathrooms in Lagos camp for example are really clean and tiled. I never looked forward to service, I’ve always thought it should be optional, even now i still indifferent, however thankful its not as dreadfully as i thought it to be. The only problem in camp are the round the clock activities. If you make sane friends you are good to go. Posting to states are even influenced these days. When i think of it, i just say and this to shall pass. However remember to take home the experience, the good and the bad.
    Phew! This was longer than I thought.

  7. I love the way you keep your readers engrossed.
    Not all NYSC camps are dirty, mine was quite bad because, I was posted to the north, so, I had to use potty…lol.
    Nysc is a cool experience, enjoy it. If you think camp is bad, let C.D.S come, then you’ll now know!

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