Shout-out to me!! The one girl who can finish 20 bowls of Semo and still twin with bongafish. Last night as at 12a.m when some of you were sleeping and others flying, I was in my kitchen warming half a pot of rice. When the rice heated, I carried the pot and a spoon, sat on my sitting room floor and cleared the pot to the last grain. -yes I did it. it’s not like I didn’t eat dinner. I had earlier eaten a plate of Semo with oha soup, yet found it hard to stop myself from being a mid night devourer.
Sometimes when I wake at 2a.m, I go on facebook and a friend texts ‘peace, you still up by this time?, Am like ‘yeah, I’m up for my midnight prayers,you know I dont joke with prayers right?’ but in reality, I woke to rummage the kitchen and fridge to see if there was anything I could put in my mouth. On days I don’t see anything to prey on, I retire to eating my nieces/nephew’s biscuits, gala, Ribena,hollandia e. t. c. when am done, I throw the wrappers through the window. That way, I’m innocent and there is no evidence I’m the one finishing the children’s provision. My midnight food routine didn’t start today. My mom said when I was much younger, a night didn’t pass without me waking to cry for food. well what can I say? Isn’t it better to eat the food physically than spiritually? -more reason I don’t eat in my dreams.
At the rate I’m going with food, I fear in a year or 2 from now, drivers will ask me to get off their buses or ask me to pay for 2 b/cos of my weight. Just yesterday, I was in a bus to ikotun. We weren’t even half way when the driver parked and said he wasn’t going again. He asked all of us to come down. Typical Nigerians were already cursing. Iya bilikisu and iya kudirat were ready to fall the wall of Jericho on the driver’s head in their native language. When the woman who sat close to the bus door alighted for the rest of us to follow suit, the driver told us not to come down. He then turned to the woman from his seat and said ‘madam, I no wan carry you again. Na your type dey burst tyre. You too fat’!
Seeing how pitiful and red the woman was, he asked her to get in if she was ready to pay for herself and the person inside her. The woman was reluctant,busy trying to ignore stares and the driver zoomed off, leaving volcanic dust behind.
The passengers began laughing with their garlic smelly mouths. Some of them were congratulating the driver for the Nollywoood stunt he pulled just to get rid of the woman. One Yeye man even asked the driver to audition for Jenifa’s dairy. The fat woman as expected, became the talk of the bus with passengers asking; ‘why she come fat like that?’, ‘Wetin she dey chop?’, ‘which man gree marry am?’. One Flat headed man turned to me in his possessed igbotic accent and asked ‘how she and her husband dey take do that thing self? ‘
‘‘Abeg which thing o, Oga with flat head?. Do I look like I do it with them”? –i uttered with my eyes.
I tightly fixed my earpiece in my ears, trying to figure out the year Nigerians started fat shaming people. When did we start forming western?? when did our men stop loving them thick?.
In Benin Republic where I stayed for almost 4years, flesh is well appreciated. Beninese men love women with abundance of flesh. thick thick pomo flesh. I can count how many times a Beninese man said ‘Bonjour’ to me, not to talk of collecting my number b/cos to them, I was just a bonga fish who will faint after first round.
Am Thinking of that fat shamed woman now and I wonder if she has eaten since yesterday. Am sure that lady already bought the native fowl she wants to kill for the season and now this. How will she eat her Christmas chicken without fear of bursting someone’s tyre? I know we are Nigerians and yes it’s in our nature to run our mouths like tap but Biko don’t pour sand in someone’s future rice. Christmas is here and no one should question anyone’s eating habit. it’s a time to eat, share and show love. No fat shaming! no calorie measurement!. For some of you who wouldn’t want to satisfy your veracious appetite in order not to add weight, kindly DHL all the food to me. I will eat some in the day and the remains at midnight. In the morning I will go to the toilet and after spending 30mins there, old things are past away; behold, all things have become new.
Merry Christmas in advance fam!!