After service on sunday, I got home and successfully downloaded all the rice and stew Sundays usually brought. when I filled the voluminous vacuum in my stomach, I channeled my energy into looking through some old properties I bounded together long ago and cast into the outer darkness of my wardrobe basement where rats and roaches now inter married, giving birth to lizards. It included notes from high school, diaries, even some yeye love letters with chicken handwriting. As I scrutinized, the memories were pleasurable until I came across my physics test note. I kept hitting my hand on my chest saying ‘peace, don’t have cardiac arrest, don’t! don’t! You can’t die! Breathe baby breathe!.
I needed to get rid of it before spiritual voices would start asking me to calculate the velocity of my pubic hair, leaving my answer in centimeter square. I didn’t want voices telling me to use ohms law to calculate the effect of heat in Harmattan season, if the slope of wind in motion is held by the law of gravity. -something that is not even my business.
In a bid to get rid of the note, i thought of presenting it as a Christmas gift to the woman that sold Akara at my b/stop as she could use it to wrap her balls of Akara. I was Enroute to meet her, when an inner voice questioned. ‘peace are you really that forgiving?, I mean, after all physics put you through? don’t you think you should fly to the nearest Bush, poop all over then use your physics test note to wipe ur ass? –what could be better than that peace? Think baby think’. I thought about it and yes! nothing could be more fulfilling. I am down for the poop, all I need right now is a bush. feel free to recommend any Bush closest to you.
Come SS1, the only thing I was confident about during physics class was my pointed nose. I was the wrongest person to borrow physics note from. Truth is, no one borrowed my physics note except new students and they stopped when they realized how my slopes were not of this earth. Oh lord! During physics classes, all I ever thought of were the doughnuts and ice creams they sold at our tuck shop. I would be sitting in class, hoping and praying that those students who had sharks in their stomachs won’t finish the whole thing before I finally laid hands on the rounded and cold piece of satisfaction.
On times I already bought the doughnut before physics class, I would hide it inside my desk, taking it pinch by pinch to avoid suspicion. while the doughnuts went down my throat, I would be thinking of other important issues like which poultry we would buy our next Christmas chicken and the reason the ‘ay’ in ‘okay’ seems useless. It was never in my nature to pay attention in physics class so when I was taking my time musing on other vital issues and a particular class mate of mine disturbed my fantasy with his ceaseless questions and answers on momentum and electricity, I got angry and murmured.
‘why is this one just asking & answering anyhow’?
‘Does he think he is more intelligent than me?
‘Just thank god for this doughnut that is calming me down if not, I would have picked you by the hair and dumped you in onitsha river so you spend the rest of your life, explaining Charles law to the marmi waters inside there you idiot! ‘.
One time I slept off and was woken by a hit on my forehead. I opened my eyes to see the full class starring at me, laughing.
‘peace! see how you opened your mouth waaaa like toll gate . Oya come and solve this’. -my physics teacher said.
At that point, i stood up like Alice In wonderland but the only reason I was walking boldly to the board was to tell my physics teacher that in my family, we don’t solve problems we didn’t create. After I said that, my silly class mates burst into thunderous laughter not knowing in my mind, I had written the names of the few of them that would taste my wedding jollof .
I am however proud to announce that there was a time I decided to put doughnuts aside to focus solely on physics and throughout my learning process, I refused making my hair because my physics teacher usually teased that the reason I didn’t know physics was because I plaited my brain along with my hair.
My decision to become a physicist was to impress a new male student I had envisioned marrying. The guy was really cute and I knew If I didn’t act fast, the so-called library girls would win him over with their Omini knowest attitude. One Friday, I bore my heart out to one of my classmates and he promised to be my lesson teacher. He said he would teach me during breaks in exchange for 100 Naira doughnuts. I agreed. I was optimistic it would end in praise.
Because of the love I had for that young man, I forfeited my break periods. My lessons began that Friday and the first thing my lesson teacher taught me was to always raise my hands to questions even if I didn’t know the answers. Fast forward to Monday, I raised my hands to all the questions my physics teacher threw but was more thankful that the deeper life woman didn’t call me. From the way everyone looked at me, I could tell they were shocked. I was shocked too. I didn’t know I was that intelligent. My intelligence continued for the rest of the week though I wasn’t called to answer any question. One day, I walked to my Romeo and told him I noticed he barely raised his hand to answer questions in class. I told him I was very intelligent and physics was my best subject. I told him if he didn’t mind, I could teach him for free. He smiled, I blushed -Titanic the remake!
The next Monday, I had my calculator, projector, math set, marker all placed on my desk with my physics text book clasped in my chest. My physics teacher walked in and was impressed at the sight of my desk. She wrote a question on the board but before she could land a full stop, my two hands were in the air. Brothers and sisters! I was finally called. The call was synonymous to the call of Samuel. A resounding call. I thought I was dreaming but my seat partner kept nudging ‘peace go, you have finally been called, go’! You should have seen my face as I stood up with nothing in my head but doughnuts. I kept laughing like a hyena while I signaled my physics lesson teacher to solve it for me. He solved it and threw the chip to me. I grabbed it like it was my portion in the land of the living and confidently walked round the class, adjusting my invisible collar. I walked to that my Romeo and whispered to his ears ‘you’l marry me after this‘. I looked at my physics teacher in the eyes and told her not to worry as I have come to solve all her life problems. I brought out my marker and started to draw what I thought was a slop. I wrote figures, solved, solved, filled the board, Cleaned it up and continued solving.
‘peace where did you get these figures from and which formula are you using ‘?
I told her I invented the formula. She kept quiet and after I had written my final answer, the whole class burst to laughter as usual.
I took a minute to look at the question on the board only to realise the figures I used in solving the question weren’t in the question in the first place.
How would I have known that my yeye lesson teacher was as stupid as a local he-goat and the slope he made me draw looked more like a football pitch with Messi and Ronaldo at opposite ends. The guy was using me to realize his football dreams,little did I know.
With the shame of a thousand generations, I ran from the class to buy enough doughnuts to calm my pride. I took the next 6minutes to think about my life. Will my Romeo Still love me? What was more hurting was the mansion I could have built with all the 100naira I had wasted on that flat headed lesson teacher of mine. I didn’t know how to forgive myself.
Anyway, I give God all the thanks regardless because Romeo stopped talking to me after that incident. I was going to break more rocks for him to see I loved him unconditionally when I gathered from a reliable source that during a career discussion they had in class, my Romeo was asked what he wanted to become in future and he proudly replied ‘Fuji musician’. ‘How could you Romeo? You want to make me believe i did all I did to impress a Fuji musician? No wonder you never raised your hands to answer any question because physically you were in class but spiritually, you were on stage with Pasuma. Romeo, God will not forgive you’.
I eventually went back to being myself -the doughnut woman. I didn’t see the point in learning a course that didnt want to be learnt. All my efforts to learn physics proved abortive which was just to show that all fingers are not equal. In case you wondering how i managed to pass my Waec, Neco and the likes, the truth is majority of these brainy student are broke. They usually need people to buy them doughnuts and pure water and that is where I came in. Yes! the theory of trade by barter was well practised amongst us at a young age. You show me your book, and I buy you doughnuts. So far, the theory of trade by barter has been proven to be the most pricesly tested theory in the history of high school kids in the whole of Nigeria.
I know I am not the only one that followed this theory neither am I the only one who had a worst subject in high school..so guys what was your worst subject in high school? I want to know!
…………….Merry Christmas and happy New Year in advance…… ❤❤