The holiday season… 

Somehow, for some unknown reasons, everyone I spoke with within the holiday season kept saying ‘peace you must be in the village by now’,  ‘peace how’s the village treating you?’. Like really?  why the so much association  with the village Biko? Am i the one holding my village people’s destiny? Why was everyone expecting me to spend my holiday in the village?

Why wasn’t anyone expecting me to spend it in other places like Dubai, America, Zanzibar or even Paris? Why must it be the village?  How on earth did I fit to cast for the Nollywood movie titled  ‘Peace the village girl, just how? 

On the 23rd of December, since we had closed for the year at my office, i went to visit a friend around yaba but was stuck in mushin as the dearth of  fuel made it almost impossible to get a vehicle. After I stood for 2hrs reciting psalm 121, yet no help came forth, I humbly carried myself to mount a bike like everyone else. 

I had  bid price with a bikeman but he said he needed a 2nd passenger unless I wanted to pay for 2seats. I told him I had chairs at home and his bike was not my parlour. In split seconds, we saw a man who was headed same direction. I liked the fact that he was really slim so enough space was guaranteed on the bike.  I mounted first and he followed. We got comfortably sitted with space on every corner but the bike man refused to move. When we asked him to move,  he said I had to shift closer to him before he could  start his bike. He said he wanted to feel me and if I didn’t get closer, his bike wouldn’t start. It was  obvious the bikeman wanted some boobs but exactly when did my  boobs become an engine to help his bike start? I thought I could defend my  boobs but before I could give a speech on how my boobs were strictly for my future kids and the future bearded baby of the house, he asked me to get down as he wasn’t interested in carrying me anymore. Really? Brothers & Sisters! Is it by force to give my boobs to a bike man  for him to use as pillow?

 I came down and watched as other bikers begged him to forgive me  for apparently refusing to give him my hard earned boobs. However, none of them volunteered  to carry me b/cos I was the sister who was stingy with her natural pillows.

 After a while, I  got another bike. The bike man got his 2nd passenger, a fifty-something year old  man with all the bellies in the world. When I sat and the man with his belly sat behind me, i felt claustrophobic. It was so tight that I felt somethings protruding from him and hitting me on my waist. With me sitted between a bike man who was resting on my boobs and a full bellied man whose stuff was hitting on me,  how best could a threesome be possibly defined? At the time of the illicit  hitting, I wanted to turn to ask him which part of his body was hitting me between his stomach and the other stuff so if after two weeks i started to vomit,  I would know he was responsible.

 At some point where my conscience pricked me to think the man was innocent and could be a pastor, evangelist or a chosen Mopol, our bikeman jammed the brakes while on high-speed which made the man’s stuff hit me harder and he sexily moaned  ‘ooooooohhhhhhhh’. -you know, like the oohhhhh baby don’t stop kind of thing. I pinched myself and said ‘peace you are hallucinating due to that porn you watched 5years ago. It’s not real. This man is a harmless old man’!  Just few minutes I had convinced myself that he was innocent, our bikeman jammed the brakes again and this old man made thesame ‘ooooooohhhhhhhh’. That was when I knew the man had spiritually reached orgasm  the 2nd time  and unfortunately, a baby girl like me was the object of imaginary fornication.  I had to shift closer to the bikeman as I preferred to give all my boobs to a bikeman than get pregnant for a man old enough to be my grand dad. Even though there was no physical penetration, who knew what happened spiritually?

When the man noticed  I had shifted and his stuff wasn’t hitting my softs, he grievously said, ‘the world is collapsing!… Oh no!..’  Grand daddy!  Why won’t the world collapse? Of cos, there is no hope for a third Orgasm! Until now, I’m still looking for a priest to confess this unintentional sin to. Incase you know a priest,pls make the confession on my behalf . Thank you! 

On the very much celebrated 25th, I went to the movies. I was skeptical the wedding  party 2 would wow me  b/cos of the bad reviews it had online so I planned to watch pitch perfect 3 but due to my late arrival, the wedding party 2 became my best bet. After seeing the wedding party 2, I know I will;

  • Have my wedding in Dubai oh yes! 
  • Ask the man who proposes to me If it was a mistake or he was for real
  • Tell critics to STFU as the movie isn’t as bad as reviewed. 

After I left the cinema, I went to an eatery  to  get sharwama, but little did I know that Nigerians made their sharwamas with pepper soup ingredients. i was drinking water after each  bite and with all the tears gathered in my eyes, I missed Benin Republic. You see, of the few things these Beninese are good at, making tasteful sharwama tops the list. 

Just Yesterday, I went to the ATM  to withdraw 2k from my 4k account and this man walked up to me. I noticed how Harmattan had dried his black  lips and also his Ameri-igbotic accent.

Him : Yo pretty, you Nigerian?.

Me: (clears throat to notify my British accent soliders) I am! 

Him: you know I don’t stay here and I’m just getting back from overseas but nna Mehn, My car is over there and I’d wona give u a bumpy ride to your destination … Bad gal? 

Me: (At the mention of bumpy ride, I remembered my awful threesome experience) no thanks,i prefer keke napep.

Him: baby, I would wona get ur fucking number. I would have given you mine but nna, it’s an Int’l number mehn. Over there, we don’t Fucking store numbers in our fucking heads mehn. 

I collected his China phone and imprinted my +229 country code which is for my whatsapp. He saw it and exclaimed ‘nna Mehn! gosh! I knew u didn’t live here motherfucker. So tell me, were you in the U. S, Spain, Germany,Australia,paris’  …..and when he mentioned london, I smiled and shyly nodded. If only he knew +229 was Benin Republic country code.  he later texted and out of curiosity, I went to google his +86 country code, Lo and behold! It was China! Why are Aba boys like this? I am asking b/cos it’s only an Aba boy that will go to China and come back with an American accent!

Anyways,  that has been it so far. It’s 2018 & I dedicate this year to improving my spiritual life, reading more books, writing more and my NYSC.  I believe in setting realistic goals and letting other  things fall in place. 2018 is definitely a great year for us all and I can’t help but get excited. so share with us. did you spend your holiday in your village? how did you spend it and what are you dedicating your 2018 to? 


28 Replies to “The holiday season… ”

  1. Christmas was fun, spent it on bed, new year was powerful jumped around church at crossover, and no, I didn’t go to my village for Christmas, I celebrated it like a normal Nigerian would (in the town that gives me money). I had fun, loads of fun… and I forgot to mention, after New Year, fuel was all over Abuja. There’s no better way to celebrate New Year like having extra fuel in your store… now that’s real fun😁

    1. 😂😂😂😂
      I just found someone who having extra fuel gives Joy! Just like my mother😂😂😂

        1. Asin….. Some people in my area would eat breakfast, lunch and dinner while on the queue for fuel . I was surprised I didn’t hear that a boo proposed to his bae while on the queue, and that they got married there and had children still on the queue.

  2. Lol, this girl cant repent any soon😂!

    Well, your unrepentance makes ‘Cliquetalk’ what it is, so please do remain an unrepentant “threesomer” No, unrepentant sinner i mean😂

    I spent my Christmas in Dubai😍
    No 32 Ikeja road, Dubai.😎

      1. Hahahahahahaha
        Yes ooh my dear!

        It is my state of mind o! In preparation for the real physical Dubai😂

        I am having Asùn and palmwine
        Please dont join me😩
        My new year just begun💃

  3. Still trying to digest your “mishaps” this festive period, the Christmas wasn’t fun for you at all. That shawarma that they use peppers soup ingredients to prepare… Na wa oh! Hope that American-Chinese Ibo man is keeping in touch?
    My Christmas was well spent at home/work while my family were in the village chilling and attending weddings!

    1. Lol.. The best part of the holiday was knowing I wasn’t waking up every morning to go to work. I slept, woke, and slept back till whenever . I also enjoyed the plenty food.
      As for the American Chinese Ibo man, I haven’t heard from him. I think he’s lost in the map between America, china, and his village.

      I don’t envy doctors Bcos they never have holidays

  4. Gosh! This fuel thing though.. its just sad. I spent all my money on fuel in December and too imagine all you went through just because of transportation. Meanwhile on wedding party 2 issue, I dont know why people were giving negative reviews, because its a different story entirely only the same casts and the storyline was interesting. The only problem i had was that it was kind of short, but one can understand the cost of production. As far as I’m concerned, it was worth it.
    PS: God will bless you with your car this year, before any otjet harassment from cyclists and passengers alike. Happy new year!

    1. Amennnn!!! Thanks for the new year blessing. God bless you!

      That fuel scarcity made me stay home for the most part of the season cos transport fare was x2…We stopped putting on the Gen because there was no hope of getting fuel. You will see the queue for fuel and wonder if it was judgment day. I gave up!

      Well wen I heard there was gona be a wedding party 2..i knew it wasn’t gona be as great as the first… But Atleast I saw Dubai and now I wantu do wedding there

      Thanks for reading ❤

  5. Lol😂😂😂. You always know ow to crack us up with your write-ups. The holiday was ok. I had enough rest. Canceled a lot of dates cos I am always lazy when it comes to getting up and preparing to go out. Those guys I canceled my outings with did not cross over as my friends this year 😢 cos dey r tired of me. So this 2018 I dedicate my year to my family,really friends and my Business which I just started. Hoping for the best this year. Oluwa bless our hustle. I wish you the best in all you do my dear friend. Keep putting smiles on our faces biko we need it so we don’t get old on time.

    1. Hahaha@they didn’t cross over as your frnds…i find it tiring too. Dressing up and then going out. Only the tot of traffic is discouraging enough. I wish you well in all you do too dear.. Thanks for reading ❤❤

  6. I have watched a movie titled peace the village girl. Does it mean that name peace is usually associated with the village. Ur ancestors might have missed u in the village last Christmas. Don’t fail to go to village next Christmas pls.😀😎😋🤔🕺💃

      1. You will send pictures to who. So you go get mind leave me here go Dubai. Back to sender Ill be that picture portion.

  7. Hahaha Peace, you craaazy! And I mean that in a good way 🙂 I really laughed at your story, you are hilarious hilarity.
    Oh & boobs are an engine to start ANYTHING. It’s both a blessing & a curse!
    My 2018 will be learning to be a much better person & accomplish all my goals. My purpose in life is the same…to just be happy. 🙂

  8. You cracked me up again and the Granddad needs help. My Christmas was well spent going to class and writing exams. 2018 is going to be better for me, that’s my goal.

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