I never mentioned this, but I’m from a family of matchmakers. We matchmake people. People contact us from all parts of Africa and we get them hooked up. You know, there are men and women who have sailed the seven seas, from river Nile to river Zambezi in search of their missing rib yet couldn’t find. These set of people need help, and that’s where all the members of my family come in. we know where to find everyone’s missing rib.
The few times I eavesdropped on my brothers phone conversations, i heard them say ‘Oga Boniface! Do you want a yellow, black, green or blue woman? bro donatus, do you want Lepa or Orobo? Bro Titus, Do you want a woman with stretch marks? Facial hair? Are you attracted to women with muscles or k-legs? Do you want a woman who snores or the one who farts in her sleep‘. OK you want a woman who snores. Aunty charity from our church choir is your missing rib’!
I have overheard my sister’s conversation with her friend where she said ‘Rosemary, so common boyfriend you don’t have at your age. Are you sure your village people haven’t cursed you? Give me time to see if I can hook you up with some single men I know but tell me, do you like importers or exporters? Do you want a man with Flat or spiral head? fat or Slim, business man or office worker? afo beer or afo indomie? oh you like afo beer(protruding stomach) . Bro Cletus our church driver is the man for you!’.
Our family business resumed this year with a client who is a friend of my sister’s. He is a Nigerian man based in spain. My Sis told me he had houses everywhere, on land, air and on sea. I heard he had fleet of cars. I heard he was dark, tall, handsome, God fearing and that he recently flew to Dubai to take a selfie. what?
The more my sis told me about him, the more he appeared like my perfect portion in the land of the living. I could swear he was my missing rib. My Mr Right. My Eminado. All I had for him was love love love. I was already wearing imaginary wedding gown. I imagined it was our wedding day in Dubai, and lots of Celebrities were in attendance. I saw Toke Makinwa, Tonto Dikeh, Tiwa savage and her husband. I noticed Linda Ikeji was staring fixedly at my husband so I covered him with the blood of my unconditional love. I heard Adesua whisper to Banky W ‘#BAAD2017 would have made more sense in Dubai o’. I saw my beautiful blog visitors sitted like angels shedding tears of joy. I heard one of them say ‘oh peace, it was just like yesterday when you wanted to be a babalawo. look at you now!‘. I also saw the gender-confused Bobrisky taking selfies everywhere, barking his usual osshhheyy baddest!! At my own wedding? I was thinking of the closest Arabian prison to dump him when the priest beckoned on us to kiss ‘you may kiss now kiss as man and wife!’. We were busy kissing Arabian, French and Spanish when my Sister’s hoarse voice broke the heavens ‘the only problem is that the man is 55years old’.
‘Fifty whaattt’??? At this point, I was back to reality.
‘I said he is 55years old naw’.
‘Wait pls! Do you mean 55 months or 55years’? I asked as all my tissues, organs, intestines Intertwined. Peace you have just kissed your ancestor! abomination!
I unhesitatingly started to take everything back. The Spanish kiss, the Arabian wedding. I started re-directing my imaginations. He was my ancestor. My father’s age mate. peace how could you! No wonder aunty Linda Ikeja was staring at him because they were almost age mates and he was supposed to be marrying her and not me!
I asked my sister to quickly hook him up with her old friends as 55 is not a friendly age. I pleaded with her to reveal his age first before trying to entice them with all his earthly possessions, so they don’t end up like me who divorced him on our imaginary wedding day.
After about 2 futile weeks of wife hunting for the old man, my Sis got a call that there was this ancestral cousin of ours who wasn’t married, aged 35. She sent her pictures to my Sis who sent them to the man. The old man texted 5mins later to say he didn’t like her. he said she was too old and he would prefer a light skinned girl. You see why this man won’t make heaven? He is old but doesn’t want another person to be old. A typical case of kettle calling pot black. At age 55,grand daddy still thinks he has a choice.
Yesterday , my sister jumped into my room and said ‘peace o, but you are light skinned and you still young. Don’t you think you should….. ‘.
‘I should what’? I shouted with the voice of a thousand generation. Thank goodness we don’t live close to third mainland bridge. I would have pushed her inside the water so she would tell the Marmiwaters there that they were light skinned too.
Let’s say I decide to marry this grand dad now. Which mouth will I use to call my father’s age mate baby, darling, honey and sugar pie? Isn’t that an abomination? the kind of abomination that makes amadioha demand 18bags of rice, 18bags of beans,16 ostrich eggs and 1human head? Talking about workshops, how am i sure his own can perform 21st century wonders biko. We are no longer in the 19th century When missionary was the order of the day! I don’t need someone shouting my back o! my waist o! when the proper marathon hasn’t even started. 20minutes later he’ll start to bleat like a goat that just climbed Mount Everest. Soon, he starts shaking and 2mins later, he gives up the ghost even before giving up the much anticipated PS!. Lord have mercy!
I don’t know the reason African men prefer to marry when they are old. You will see a 35 years old man telling you he’s single and searching. Searching for what? The fact that we ladies say we want mature men doesn’t mean we want to marry our ancestors. We love to marry you young. We want someone that will grow old with us not someone who already bought his first class aging ticket before Jesus turned water into wine. That man would have been my husband now but just negodu! I never prayed to marry a man 10years older than me. 5years is the max age difference I can accept. I cannot go out with you and be answering the ‘is he your father’ question. No way!
What about you ladies, does age matter to you? And to you men, why do you wait for the second coming of Jesus before you get married?
PS: To all the ladies reading this, there is a marriage offer opened to light skinned young girls. The man as you know is just 55years old. If you interested, send your name and pictures to Cliquetalkblog@gmail.com… Do not be discouraged. Age they say, is just a number!