He would have been my husband but…. 

I never mentioned this, but I’m from a family of matchmakers. We matchmake people. People contact us from all parts of Africa and we get them hooked up.  You know, there are men and women who have sailed the seven seas, from river Nile to river Zambezi in search of their missing rib yet couldn’t find.  These set of people need help, and that’s where all the members of my family come in. we know where to find everyone’s missing rib. 

The few times  I eavesdropped on my brothers phone conversations, i heard them say  Oga Boniface! Do you want a yellow, black, green or blue woman?  bro donatus, do you want  Lepa or Orobo? Bro Titus, Do you want a woman with stretch marks? Facial hair? Are you attracted  to women with muscles or k-legs? Do you want a woman who snores  or the one who farts in her sleep‘. OK you want a woman who snores. Aunty charity from our church choir is your missing rib’! 

I have overheard my sister’s conversation with her friend  where she said ‘Rosemary, so  common boyfriend you don’t  have at your age. Are you sure  your village people haven’t cursed you? Give me time to see if I can  hook you up with  some single men I know  but tell me, do you like importers or exporters? Do you want a man with Flat or spiral head? fat or Slim, business man or office worker? afo beer or afo indomie? oh you like afo beer(protruding stomach) . Bro Cletus our church driver  is the man for you!’. 

Our family business resumed this year with a client who is a friend of my sister’s. He is a Nigerian man based in spain. My Sis told me he had houses everywhere, on land, air and on sea.  I heard he had fleet of cars. I heard he was dark, tall,   handsome, God fearing and that he recently flew to Dubai to take a selfie.  what? 

The more my sis told me about him, the more he appeared like my perfect  portion in the land of the living. I could swear he was my missing rib. My Mr Right. My Eminado. All I had for him was love love love. I was already wearing imaginary wedding gown. I  imagined it was our wedding day in Dubai, and lots of Celebrities were in attendance. I saw Toke Makinwa,  Tonto Dikeh, Tiwa savage and her husband. I noticed  Linda Ikeji was staring fixedly at my husband so I covered him with the blood of my unconditional love. I heard Adesua whisper to Banky W ‘#BAAD2017 would have made more sense in Dubai o’.  I saw my beautiful  blog visitors sitted like angels shedding tears of joy. I heard one of them say ‘oh peace, it was just like yesterday when you wanted to be a babalawo. look at you now!‘. I also saw the gender-confused Bobrisky taking selfies everywhere, barking his usual osshhheyy baddest!!  At my own wedding? I was thinking of the closest Arabian prison to dump him when the priest beckoned on us to kiss  ‘you may kiss now kiss as man and wife!’.  We were busy kissing Arabian, French and Spanish  when my Sister’s hoarse voice broke the  heavens  ‘the only problem is that the man is 55years old’.

Fifty whaattt’???  At this point, I was back to reality.

I said he is 55years old naw’. 

Wait pls!  Do you mean  55 months or 55years’? I asked as all my tissues, organs, intestines Intertwined. Peace you have just kissed your ancestor! abomination! 

I unhesitatingly started to take everything back. The Spanish kiss, the Arabian wedding. I started re-directing my imaginations. He was my ancestor. My father’s age mate. peace how could you! No wonder aunty Linda Ikeja was staring at him because they were almost age mates and he was supposed to be marrying her and not me! 

I asked my sister to quickly  hook him up with her old friends as 55 is not a friendly age.  I pleaded  with her to reveal his age first before trying to entice them with all his earthly possessions, so they don’t end up like me who divorced him on our imaginary wedding day. 

After about 2 futile weeks of wife hunting for the old man, my Sis got a call that there was this ancestral cousin of ours who wasn’t married, aged 35. She sent her pictures to my Sis who sent them to the man. The old man texted 5mins later to say he didn’t like her. he said she was too old and he would prefer a light skinned girl.  You see why this man won’t make heaven? He is old but doesn’t want another person to be old.  A typical case of kettle calling pot black. At age 55,grand daddy still thinks he has a choice. 

Yesterday , my sister jumped into my room and said ‘peace o, but you are light skinned and you still young. Don’t you think you should….. ‘

 ‘I should what’?  I shouted with the voice of  a thousand generation. Thank goodness we  don’t live close to third mainland bridge. I would have pushed her inside the water so she would tell the Marmiwaters there that they were light skinned too. 

Let’s say I decide to marry this grand dad now. Which mouth will I use to call my father’s age mate baby, darling, honey and sugar pie?  Isn’t that an abomination? the kind of abomination that  makes amadioha demand 18bags of rice, 18bags of beans,16 ostrich eggs and 1human head?  Talking about workshops, how am i sure his own can perform 21st century wonders biko. We are no longer  in the 19th century When missionary was the order of the day!  I don’t need someone shouting my back o! my waist o! when the proper marathon hasn’t even started.  20minutes  later he’ll start to bleat like a goat that just climbed Mount Everest. Soon,  he starts  shaking and 2mins later, he  gives up the ghost even before giving up the much anticipated PS!. Lord have mercy! 

 I don’t know the reason African men prefer to marry when they are old. You will see a 35 years old man telling you he’s single and searching. Searching for what?   The fact that we ladies  say we want mature men doesn’t mean we want  to marry our ancestors. We love to marry  you young. We want someone that will grow old with us not someone who already bought his first class aging ticket before Jesus turned water into wine. That man would have been my husband now but just negodu! I never prayed to marry a man 10years older than me. 5years is the max age difference I can accept. I cannot go out with you and be answering the ‘is he your father’ question. No way! 

 What about you ladies, does age matter to you? And to you men, why do you wait for the second coming of Jesus before you get married? 

PS: To all the ladies reading this, there is a marriage offer opened to light skinned young girls. The man as you know is just 55years old. If you interested, send your name and pictures to Cliquetalkblog@gmail.com… Do not be discouraged. Age they say, is just a number!

44 Replies to “He would have been my husband but…. ”

  1. 😂, very funny but educative, I can imagine how those castles where built and shattered at the mention of his age. Nice one ami. Hope you know men who don’t marry early are those who want to make so much money… anyway I love this a lot, as usual you made me smile thank you.

      1. Hahahaha, those ones are on their own, a man without an ambition and has no wife is worse than Cain (a vagabond), I’m only referring to the ambitious ones, but yet still, nothing justifies the lack of getting married early

  2. You’re special!

    Getting married young is the best, growing together in everything…

    The thought of having achieved it all before starting a home is what’s made some people stay too long… They want to SETTLE their supposed family first..

    You’re a Son/Daughter of a home.. True…

    But, you’re more of a WIFE/HUSBAND than you’ll ever be a Son/Daughter ..

    Some is of the notion “my money, his/her own”… Lol…

    Marriage is no competition, it’s only two becoming one and equally achieving the best in Life… Together!
    Irrespective of who’s making more.. (support eachother)

    1. You seem to be an advocate of marriage …anyways, thanks for sharing your thoughts…i stand with you. I’m not saying people should jump into marriage when they are not ready. What am saying is they shouldn’t wait till they grow gray. Let’s grow old together…not you leading with a thousand miles.

      Thanks

  3. As usual it was entertaining and I was held from the 1st sentence to the last. I loved it keep it up. As for me age matters.

    1. Marry!
      But marry according to your age. If you choose to marry old, marry someone your age. There isn’t a problem
      Just don’t be 75 and say you want to marry a 22years old gal
      It’s a serious problem!

  4. how can you be married to someone and still look like the Grandfather of the house? you will marry wife and people will be asking you if you were the dowry was paid to…Christ! awesome write up as usual honey..

  5. Hahahahahaha 😂
    I don’t see anything wrong with a 10year age difference (maximum).
    No sane girl wants to marry a man she’ll have to kneel down to give water to wash hand and eat eba.

    1. 10year age difference is a lot for me and It’s gona be a major struggle choosing yes baby, darling over yes sir and daddy.
      I wonder how Lara, Adams Oshiomole’s wife calls him

  6. You can’t have your cake and eat it.
    Shey you’re all looking for ‘Mature’ men? Don’t complain when 60-year old men come calling 😂

  7. As always I was laughing till the end. I don’t think 10 years is a big deal though. Personally i don’t I would take you serious if we are age mates, so you have to be older than me for…🤔 at least 5 years. But those old guys that think they still have a choice regarding the age of their supposed bride, I just don’t get it.

    1. Don’t mind them! They are looking for a young girl’s blood to mk them look younger. And nope, I dont have a problem with marrying my age mate. As far as he has the wisdom to carry a family.

  8. Hahahaha oh goodness! Somebody make this girl famous already!! 😀 Hilarious!
    I don’t think age should matter much. You can learn so much from an older man about life as opposed to being with someone who is just learning about different stages of life. If a person is everything you’ve ever wanted & you two are so compatible, why reject them? Don’t knock it till you try it 🙂

    1. Hahaha.. Pls make me famous already!
      Yeah I understand that part of learning a lot from them. But I think that is the only advantage. Well I am yet to know how it feels to be with an olderrr man… Who knows, I may have to change my story.

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