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Guess who’s back? 

cliquetalk April 2, 2018 48 Comments

I was on a baecation with Anthony Joshua in the magnificent City of Dubia which explains my absence from this blog. I am sorry I couldn’t inform you all before leaving. I remember I was lying on my Mouka foam that Saturday morning when I got this text ‘peace baby, it must have been hard faring without me.  I’m sorry for all the times I neglected you and spent our hard earned money on other women. Truth is, without you, I cannot breathe,eat or even sleep. You are the bone of my bone and I’m sorry it took me this long to realize. Dear peace, I have made all this money for you. My ribs are incomplete without you. Come meet me at the airport in 10minutes. Don’t bother packing up anything , we’d shop for new things when we get to Dubai.  your missing rib, Anthony J.❤

I used 5minutes from my 10minutes deadline to wash my face over and over again so I could re-read the text. I mean, I knew my rib had been missing  all this while but how would I have known my local rib was so ambitious as to apply for visa, purchase ticket,  cross borders, lands and seas to finally land between Anthony Joshua’s huge six-packs?

 After using 2minutes from my remaining 5minutes to shower,  I thought of making a post  to share the good news, but what if Anthony Joshua had sent the text to a couple of peace on his contact b/cos he wasn’t sure which of the peace was my own peace, and had decided to go with the first peace who showed up at the airport? isn’t delay really dangerous? What would it profit me to gain your congratulatory feedbacks but lose my Anthony Joshua to one peace whose buttocks are as little as a mustard seed? After thoroughly thinking this through, I drafted my post,  shoved WordPress into my accommodating ass & hurriedly flew to the airport to posses my possession!

Dubai was fun! From the time Anthony Joshua told me he saw his future kids in my eyes, to the time  he asked me to marry him while we were jetting off to Los Angeles to get pizza. I would have shared countless loved up photos of us on here but Anthony Joshua is a very discreet person. Please don’t come here to say I am lying b/cos if you do,  I’l  forward your photo to Amadioha and you know what that means.  Anthony Joshua and I have been way back & I was with him before his abs, packs & muscles were born. I was literally with him when he had nothing and you don’t think it’s high time I reap my labour?

 Dear beloveth Anthony  Joshua, I want you to know that you are the man for me. You are undisputedly the best boo in the whole muscular world, and my greatest wish right now is to continue this dream about us tonight! 

               …….Now back to reality!!….. 

The past weeks I wasn’t here,  I was in my second country, Benin Republic. After visiting Benin Republic, and coming back to Nigeria, I’d like tell you Nigerians complaining about the Nigerian Sun to kindly shut up  b/cos apparently, y’all are inside a refrigerator compared to people in that country! 

Few days  I arrived Benin, I went to a saloon to braid my hair,  and when the saloonist was half way through, I heard,  ‘Aunty, hair e no dey for Middle o‘. I was shocked. Why won’t there be hair in the middle of my head?

 To attest, I ran my fingers on my scalp and  lo and behold, I was truly bald at the middle! Not even a single hair. The country’s volcanic sun had erupted on my head and savaged all the hair in the middle. Until now, I still wonder how a sun could be so carnivorous, conniving and cruel.

 If only i was fluent in French, I would have written a letter to the Beninese Government so they tackle this issue of intense sun b4 more people will go bald, and then blame their village people for their hairless destinies. 

The reason I went to Benin Republic was to have my clearance done and then, get my certificate, but little did I know that getting my certificate would be synonymous to getting American visa.  It was an unending process. The school authorities kept tossing me round, and when I couldn’t condole anymore tossing,  I came up with a story of how I had a 3month old baby in Nigeria and how my husband had been calling to tell me the baby was always crying for breast milk. My story went viral and touched hearts.  In  less than 24hrs I cooked up that story,  I got apologies in order & also got my certificate. 

I returned to Nigeria few days after and successfully registered for my nysc. If you follow my blog religiously,  you would have read a post I talked about Nysc and all its palava and the reason I dread the scheme so much. The story hasn’t changed. I got no love for the scheme. In fact, I shamelessly admit to getting engaged in it b/cos of the 19,800naira I would be paid monthly. Half bread they say is better than none. I rather collect 19,800naira than stay home and collect 19,800kg worth of undiluted calories. 

Related: Between me,  Nysc and all its palava.

 During my registration, I didn’t  know what possessed me into choosing 2 northern states from my 4 states option. please no one should come here to tell me to take heart or tell me everything happens for a reason. I remember the night before the Nysc portal opened, I had fantasized on how I would choose Lagos, Abuja, Lagos and Abuja again. On the deal day,  I forfeited breakfast, got to the cyber at 8.am to meet more than  a hundred prospective corpers already queued up.  I picked my  number & the wait began. Whenever I talked myself into going to look for snacks to eat, my subconscious told me not to go. It told  me to exercise little more patience so I don’t miss my turn. That was how I sat there like a widowed fowl for 7hrs b4 my name was called.  As at the time it got to my turn,  my eyes already turned quarter past 4  & hunger was ministering  to me in 77 dialects. I became confused and the next thing I remember was seeing myself in front of a puff puff vendor, telling her to give me extra 200naira puff puff. After getting all the puff puff safely buried in my stomach, I returned to the cyber to continue with my registration but The lady at the cyber told me I was already done with it. 

Really?  how could she say I had registered when I don’t have any memory of it? I didn’t believe her until I went on my whatsapp and realised I told a friend I was through with my registration and had also sent that friend the list of states I had chosen. 1eastern state, 1west and 2 northern states. Please you people should ask me if I have a family member in the north. Why did my village people send Hunger to me to get me confused? Why do they want me to serve in the north?  I didn’t even choose it once but twice. Oh Lord! 

If there’s anything I need right now, it would be your prayers. Blog people, I need you to pray for me. I don’t want to posted to Kafanchan.  I don’t  want to be posted to  a place where I have to climb trees &electric poles, satellite dishes just to check my phone balance. I’m counting on all of your prayers. Please, please and please, for the love of Christ, don’t abandon me in this my time of need!

Happy New month y’all❤❤

48 Replies to “Guess who’s back? ”

  1. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 You are one hell of a terrible person. So I started thinking there’s really an a Anthony Joshua, maybe not the real one but another with same name and you are in Dubai.

    Please if you can cook up a fictitious story, why then are you a blogger? 😅😅

    But really, you closed 2 Nothern States? 🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️ I wish you all the best o

    Reply

    1. LMAO… Yes deb I chose two northern states. 1 for me and 1 for you..what are friends for lol..
      And yes there is an Anthony Joshua but he is resting in the future but if you provoke me, il remote him to the present!
      And you really thought I was in Dubai? 😂😂😂

      Reply

  4. Welcome back Peace. You are far too funny! I suggest you cook up another story for redeployment just in case you don’t like where are posted to.

    Reply

  5. Lol. ‘Aunty, hair e no dey for Middle o‘. Probably that Beninese was seeing not just the hair but the future, that you may probably land in any of the middle belt states for nysc. We pray that as you landed in Anthony Joshua’s huge six packs, you wouldn’t land in any of the core northern states where their harsh sun can’t be compared to bene own. Otherwise instead of hair e no dey for Middle, you would be hearing hair e Don disappear for one corner.

    Reply

  6. Lol. ‘Aunty, hair e no dey for Middle o‘. Probably that Beninese was seeing not just the hair but the future, that you may probably land in any of the middle belt states for nysc. We pray that as you landed in Anthony Joshua’s huge six packs, you wouldn’t land in any of the core northern states where their harsh sun can’t be compared to bene own. Otherwise instead of hair e no dey for Middle, you would be hearing hair e Don disappear for one corner. Welcome back. We have missed you Aunty and I hope as you re back to naija, hair e go full for Middle.

    Reply

  7. Beautiful post aunty, I’m glad you’re back, I really missed all this, thanks for making my day dear. You make a sad man happy. Hmmmm bald head, I wonder how you take manage complete your braiding, I mean based on logistics

    Reply

    1. Lol.. I’m happy you liked the post.
      I always look forward to your comments bcoz you can sure flatter me.. And as for the braids, I did it like that.. Told them to pack Shea butter in the bald area for future sake.

      Reply

      1. Hehehe Shea butter… and for the flattering part, I know you think I do this without looking at your faults, but I’ve already told you before, #bringbackoursexdollstory. That’s the only fault I will find in you if you don’t🙂

        Reply

  8. OMG… Lmfao…. Where the hair for the middle go na?? I indeed have you missed you and your blog, along with all the humour… This was brilliant love… Don’t be afraid of the North my dear… You might meet Dangote’s son there… Lol

    Reply

  9. 77 different dialects 🤣🤣🤣 … omg!! This girl, I have started a fast for your sake they will miraculously now move you the the southern creeks, hopefully you’ll find an oil well there and boom! you’ve blown

    Reply

    1. I haven’t even entered and you are already telling me I will be blown. Hehe
      And senu da zuwa should mean welcome right? If not, I wish you same o

      Reply

  11. Oh pls this gal..stop dreaming of Anthony bae..Well I see you in Borno state tho just accept it..loool.

    Reply

  14. I was trying to see how I could comment so I thought I can’t make a comment luckily I saw it here…. so this article is so natural while reading it and it feels like it’s reality … keep it up and be the best thanks a lot

    Reply

  17.    I am trying to promote the peace-love award just like the other award we have here on wordpress. You have been selected for this award. I will be happy if you appreciation is showed on the comment box with the link provided below. Again, you follow the criterias for the best 5 nominees of yours also.
    https://patrickrealstories.wordpress.com/2018/04/08/normination-link-for-my-first-50-persons-bloggers-for-the-peace-love-writer-awardfirst-promo/

    Am here again to share a good idea about my award post. I also have good stories you can check on my blog also.

    My latest post is the peace love  writer award. You can check it out and tell me your own view about it.
    Here is the link for the award  post

    https://patrickrealstories.wordpress.com/2018/04/01/creation-of-peace-love-writer-award/

    #PATRICKSTORIES
    Peace ✌and Love ❤

    Reply

  19. Peace ohhh😂😂😂😂😂.
    Take time and mind yourself o, all this your BIG dreams is going out of hand oh, in fact Anthony Joshua fall on you sef.😏

    Where were you posted to eventually?

    Reply
  20. Pingback: ..I came, I saw and I conquered.. (Nysc part1) | Clique Talk

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