I came, I saw and I conquered (part 2)

Click here to read/get refreshed on part 1…

I was now on board a plane to Plateau state, seated in the middle of two vacant seats and listening to the popular gospel song ‘God will make a way where there seems to be no way’. Using it to reaffirm my faith in God. I was literally having my quiet time with my Heavenly Father and was on the 5th page of my ‘why me oh God‘ speech when this pretty fine man neatly robed in well ironed tuxedo suit walked up to me asking that I excused him as he was to sit by the window. Immediately I looked into his eyes and perceived his dollar bills scent, the Angel Gabriel’s voice in my head  echoed a reminder ‘peace, maybe you’ll find your husband there’. 

That life changing Reminder triggered my adrenaline which unconsciously made me display signs of imbecility. Ostrich eyes, mouth agape and saliva enroute to drip. My basic expression whenever I saw something that looked like my portion in the land of the living.

I made way for him, he was seated and so was i. We were now seated as a couple and even though he hadn’t declared his intentions yet, I knew at the bottom of my spinster heart that I wouldn’t leave that plane single and so, on that note, I saw myself imaginerily trekking  to Dubai to buy a 1million carat diamond engagement  ring courtesy of my husband-to-be.

I was oblivious to other passengers who were boarding as my eyes were busy staring fixedly at my missing found rib right from the crown of his well shaped  head to the sole of his Oxford shoes. The more I looked possessively at him with the corners of my eyes and inhaled that mint money scent,  the more I was convinced on the reason my direct posting to Lagos did not work out. What was even in the Lagos? After all,  I had stayed in Lagos for twenty something years yet I never found answers to my problems not to talk of finding my missing rib. No one promised me anything not even a rubber ring so why Was I being persistent on Lagos in the first place? Plateau was my abode of testimonies  because technically, the reason the  Lord had sent me to Plateau was to make sure I found my missing rib before the end of 2018. It was the lord’s doing and it was marvelous in my sight. 

My subconscious lifted my spirit with  verses from  psalm 118 and as it recited it, I imaginerily walked up to every lady on the plane  preaching thus to them, ‘ dear sister. I don’t know you but something tells me you are single and desperately willing to mingle. I don’t know how long you’v waited on the lord but I am here today to tell you that every disappointment in your life is a blessing. I am a living witness!  If you applied for a visa to America bcoz you want to meet the likes of Anthony Joshua, Channing Tatum,  but then  a visa to Afghanistan is given to you. Don’t fright! Don’t faint! Just go there! Don’t look back, just keep going there bcoz  sister, You will find your husband there! 

After about 3minutes,  my imaginations blurred out and since it was only him and I still seated, I wanted to tell him how I had a vision in 1992 that I would meet my husband on a plane to Plateau in 2018 and how he looked exactly like the rib I had lost a long time ago, but before I could beckon on my British accent enzymes, another man who looked nothing close to my missing placenta walked towards us and sat on the isle seat.  

On sitting, he turned to me, laughed like he was from the first generation of hyenas, and then said ‘baby you are very beauriful’.  I didn’t even blink nor blush. I turned away and snapped my fingers in disgust. I mean, what kind of man was he?  Flirting with a woman right in front of her husband?  besides, was ‘beauriful’ a name of a person, animal, place or thing? 

 Soon the crew announced  our take off and barely 1sec we reached the clouds,  uncle on the isle seat started to whistle. He would poke me, and then when I turned, he would wink.  He tried tirelessly to engage me in trivial conversations and when he saw I was nonchalant, he whispered into my ears, telling me how his pastor had told him earlier this year that he would meet his missing rib on a plane and he knew I was the one bcoz immediately he set his eyes on me, something in him caught fire.  ‘That must have been your senses’-i murmured, basically doing everything within my power to avoid verbally cheating on my husband-to-be who as at the time had his eyes sexily locked to the pages of a magazine.

I was still minding my business with nostrils focused on inhaling that mint money scent when the isle seat man interrupted. ‘ baby why are you going to Plateau’? . 

They said I should go and  serve my father land there’. I answered 

As soon as my Mr right heard that, he turned to me with a face now possessed with a thousand contortions and I had thought he was about to start a poem on how his life would be incomplete without me, instead he said ‘you mean you are going to serve?.  are you even done with secondary school? 

Until now, I’m yet to get over that heartbreak. No one had ever been that evil to me. I know I have a small stature so what? Where was it written in the Bible that people with small stature cannot graduate from high school? Must i always be in primary or secondary school bcos I have a small stature? Does he even know my real age?   That means all that time I was loving, sewing asoebi, marrying, getting pregnant and giving birth to our babies in my imagination, oga was busy guessing  the type of baby diaper i used? As if the heart break wasn’t enough he went on to tell me how he felt Plateau was a good place for me to serve. He said I would enjoy the weather. He said I would meet lots of friendly people, and then  lastly he said,  ‘everything about Plateau is good. My wife and kids love it there that’s why they stay there’.

Wait! What?  wife? was he referring to me? Which kids? Was he talking about the two boys I had for him in my imagination? I was practically looking for answers to my questions when  boom! I saw an unidentified carat diamond  ring happily wrapped around his ring finger. 

You know, if I had invoked Amadioha to crash that plane, people will say I’m wicked right? That Daddy knew he was married yet he heartlessly allowed me to trek to Dubai to buy myself a ring? Why did he have to deceive me for so long? Why didn’t he tell me all those times I  wasted my 200watt green light on him? Why so heartless daddy? Daddy, if you going out tomorrow and thunder from no where strikes you down. People will say you were a good man not knowing what you had done to a child of God like me. Men! 

At that point,  all I wanted to do was  walk to the cock pit to tell the pilot to stop the plane.i wanted to alight.  i was no longer interested in the journey. I wept silently and threw a thousand curses at everyone especially Mr Cletus ,Mr Right turned wrong & the isle man that won’t let me weep in peace disturbing me with talks about his undying love for my long ears . Really?

Finally, the 1hr 10mins flight came to an end and God knows I was the first to exit that plane. I couldn’t bear any more sec with that Mr right wrong & that beauriful talkative. As soon as i got out, I felt something I’d like to call ‘London breeze’. It wasn’t the kinda breeze I was used to as a Nigerian.  It was so cold, I felt the need for a winter jacket. I was literally in the big abroad and  the first thing anyone in my shoes would do was tell it to the world so  I picked out my phone and put calls across to friends and family, speaking British. That accent came with the weather. It wasn’t intentional at all. 

 Now catwalking to the baggage claim area with my dress and  hair flying in the wind, making me feel like Beyonce  Angelina Jolie compressed in one small body, I soliloquised with my second to none  British accent like  ‘Yo Peace! You gotta buy some winter jackets huh. this place be damn cold like whatttt? Hollup! Is that snow I see? Oh no.. It’s the cloud. Ha-ha…shit feels good!  they spend dollars here? Huh? Anybody? You guys spend bills here?  Maybe not.. Not yet. Honestly Peace, Mr Cletus was right you know. Nigga got the vision! God’s definitely tryna prepare your not-too-big ass for the biiig abroad.. Uh-huh. that right, Say whatttt? . 

P. S: The sequel ‘camp boys are not husband materials’ coming soon. ❤❤

34 Replies to “I came, I saw and I conquered (part 2)”

  1. This one you are always looking for diamond husband, I hope they won’t use you to buy the diamond. Me i have wooden ring for you. You can’t fit kill me with your sense of humor.

  2. Sister, I see you!!!
    A big LOL cos I really enjoyed this post.
    But wait o, can we switch places? NYSC moved me to Kwara and you are in my home town. Girl, I consider you lucky!
    Lagos to Jos, not that bad…. Abuja to Kwara, I feel cursed.

    But anyways, enough of my complaining…. I know you will enjoy Jos I promise! And I’m even offering myself if you need a bit of direction to ‘living the best life in J-city’. On that note, Peace, get over that heartbreak, your Mr Right is right at the corner counting dollar bills, haha.
    Love, Sharon.

    1. Kwara?😨😨
      Baby gal I know you wish me well and I love you but no thanks to your offer. stay in your kwara alone Biko😂 we are not twins😂😂
      Awwn she’s from Plateau❤ … So unfortunate this is coming after I ran away from Plateau…i would have helped you greet your village pipo lol… Thanks for comment Sharon ❤❤ and about directions? Trust me il sell you in Jtown. I know everywhere in Jtown. From miango to zaramanga(not sure about the spellings tho) lol

      1. ahhhh!!! You even know Zarmaganda already?! Babygirl, what are you? Waka-ninja? lol!!
        And thank you very much for making my feel of kwara worse!!!! Enjoy your London weather

  3. Peace…I have told u that not all that glitters is gold🤣🤣🤣…u and diamonds…hmmm..That is how God catches pple..Don’t worry sha…I will take u abroad not in imaginations this time..hahaha

  4. 😂😂😂😂😂 sorry he had to mk u trek to dubia. Ur writeup gives life abeg. U too much. I v really missed it here. Thank God I didn’t miss this one.. 😘

  5. 😂🤣. This is so humbling, so accent comes with the weather? I don die… you will not kill sumbori walahi. Can’t wait for the husband material camp talk. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  6. Lmaoo! Who introduced me to this girl bikonu?
    How can i be laughing all through 🤣🤣

    Lmaooo hope the accent left with the weather too? Hope you have also caught Lagos accent? Cos that one comes with madness🤣
    Im saying cos Lagos made me mad😂 thank God im now normal🤣🤣

  7. Lol…. The man was right though… Go back to highschool… I can’t stop laughing… Say whaaaatttt??? 😂😂😂

  8. Hahahaha..oh boy! I have a small stature too and I can so relate with people feeling you should remain a teenager . sometimes it has its advantages esp when you get older. What a journey gal.I’m glad you grew a British accent overnight lool. I hope you don’t lose it soon..say whaaat?

  9. I couldn’t stop laughing. Lol
    I’m glad you found lil happiness in the end but pls always screen fingers carefully before you start trekking to dubai.

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