You see, at the rate relationships are failing in Nigeria and in the world, I think I want to finally answer my call of being a reverend sister. Pls don’t tell me it’s not my calling. Are you me? You me are? or do you work in the federal ministry of calls? I have had my own share of heartbreak and I’m jaded. After this post I’m going to buy my 1yard of China white material, and then head to the nearest
Fashion designer Obi oma to sew my garment. Peace be unto you!
So, before you smirk and ask when Peace started dishing relationship lessons, ask people who know me. I am that one friend who is almost never in a relationship but could pass for the HOD of relationship management and analysis. I am the one who knows if the relationship will last or not. I’m the one who knows if your girl is loyal or a small girl with a big god (big god aka Alhaji Saraki). Is her name Vanessa, Gift, Joy, Sandra, Lizzy, Princess, Favour,
Peace, Jennifer aka Jenny for short? Bro, if your PS is not unapologetically hitting down her wall of Jericho, then, you’re in that relationship alone! These ones love gigantic PS so much that their best philosophy about life is ‘the bigger, the better’.
If her name is Deborah, Tina, Sharon, Susan, Vivian, then bare in mind that her major struggle in life is how to be monogamous. Their contacts are made of names as boyfriendA , boyfriendA1, boyfriendB2, boyfriendC5, boyfriendF9. They don’t know how to stick with 1 guy. Their best gospel song to sing is ‘everything na double double.’ and their best philosophy about life is ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket.’ If you doubt me bro, test one.
I just need to know your man’s name to tell if he’s cheating or not. Is his name Ayo, Ade, Yinka, Tunde, Ola,Gbenga, Jide(Yoruba guys actually cheat the most) John, Charles, Emeka, Chidi, Ebuka, Ndubuisi, Santos? Forget it sis, he’s gon’ disappoint you sooner or later. Sisters, does he touch his beards constantly? Carries a pocket mirror around? uses snapchat filters? Smiles unnecessarily? or is this him when a pretty girl walks pass 👇
If yes, then don’t sweat it. I mean, look at those snake in the monkey’s shadow moves.
Is he always calling you pet names? Calls you Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Cardi b even though your name is Moronike, Biliki, Nkechi, Calista, Agnes, Augustina? Sister, you have to leave that relationship. Studies have shown that men who perpetually call their partners pet names, do so bcoz they most likely have forgotten the original names of their supposed partner! Is that the kind of relationship you left your mother’s womb for?
Now from Selena’s very confused long term datingship with Justin Bieber that never led to marriage, I figured some lessons I’d like to share. I’m guessing you with your jotters now, so take note.
long term relationships will most definitely not lead to marriage: My dear Sister, you were Prolly in that relationship since the days of john the baptist. All his friends knew you. They didn’t know you by name bcoz the infamous ‘our wife’ & ‘Iyawo’ chieftaincy title swallowed the real name your poor parents gave you. He introduced you to his family in the 2nd year and his parents, siblings, ancestors including Amadioha gave you a warm welcome. Your best moment was when his brother told you that your boyfriend since Genesis chapter 1, had never brought any girl to the family asides you.
That was the utmost assurance that made you stay with him for 10years and counting. In that 10 years you washed, cleaned, prayed, cried, serviced and cooked both local and continental dishes for him. You also endured those hot afternoons he’d hit you with different Kama Sutra styles, spreading your legs like rumour. 1leg in China and the other leg in Portharcourt.
Soon, you both are having issues repeatedly . And then he claimed he wanted a break to de-stress. It was in the line of that break you went to your IG, only to find a photo of him on bended knee in front of an unknown woman who looked exactly like the sole of your Aba-made shoe. The photo was captioned, ‘she said yes’. You logged off, went to the bathroom to wash your face, perhaps you dreaming. You came back to it, and b4 Peter could deny Jesus, you were on Linda ikeji’s blog with caption, ‘Woman heartbroken after boyfriend of 10years dumped her, rescued by SARS as she set to commit suicide on 3rd mainland bridge’.
My dear even if you successfully die, do you think the Angel at the gate of heaven will open the gate for you? You think the Angels and Ark Angels will forgive your 10-year-old foolishness?
What actually motivated your patience all those years? Was it bcoz he introduced you to all his ancestors? Or bcoz his friends called you iyawo? Do you know how many times Justin Bieber’s friends called Selena Iyawo? (pls don’t ask me where they learned Yoruba) . Truly, just few percent of people in long term relationships make it to marriage bcoz as it is, the more you stay with a person, the more flaws you detect. The more bored you get. The more you get use to a particular routine with them. Along the line you meet another interesting person you’r interested in discovering. A person you are not yet tired of or constantly fighting with. Your best bet then will be bailing out from your former relationship. That’s the way these long term relationships cycles go in this part of the world. I cannot say for certain for other parts of the world but here in Nigeria, once a guy dates you for more than 5years without giving you even a wooden ring, just know his chances of marrying you are as tiny as bobrisky’s boobs!
All guys are ready when they meet the one they want to settle with: Justin Bieber dated Selena for over 6years(off&on) but never knew he was ready to settle down right? We thought he wasn’t ready or was waiting till 30, but then madam Hailey came along and just in about a month of dating, Uncle bought diamond ring. This goes to show that when a man sees the woman he really wants to settle with, he is ever ready. Maybe i’m being shallow minded or going through mid-twenties crisis to think that if your man has all it takes to get married yet isn’t talking about marrying you, then it’s bcoz he isn’t sure he wants to be with you, forever. If this point is leaving you halfhearted about your almost perfect relationship, do bare with me cos I don’t know how to shut up about my opinions. Dear ladies, don’t go listening to a man who’s asking you to wait for mungo park to discover another river before he marries you. If he’s got all the resources to get married and isn’t marrying you, it’s high time you pinched yourself. Don’t let your case be like that indomie he cooks and eats while waiting for his palatable jollof rice to get done. This is exactly what I’m talking about 👇
He isn’t yours until he is yours: 2minutes into a relationship and Nigerian girls are already posting loved up photos of them pooing together with hashtags, #oloricletus #cletusrib #iyawocletus #cletusabdomen #cletuswifey #cletusissagoal #cletusismine #bitchesbackoff #togetherforever #boo’dup #mainchick #whoyouepp #cletusplacenta. Really? Madam placenta? is that your only talent?
We ladies need to learn how to relax. We need to learn how to go easy when it comes to mere relationships bcoz for all you know, tomorrow, Cletus might find another placenta. Cletus might turn gay or become a priest! He isn’t yours until there’s an evidence wrapped round your wedding finger. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be proud of your partner or show them off. You should totally do that but pls don’t be stupid. Don’t go stressing or trying too hard. Don’t go fighting another lady cos of a man you’r yet to get married with. Don’t go claiming him yet. he isn’t yours! Don’t go baptizing your social media pages with photos of you and Cletus just yet. Even if you must, there should be some moderation. After posting 6,500 photos of you both on IG, 4,250 on facebook and infinity on twitter, who will help you delete them when #cletusisscum?
Don’t be in that relationship bcoz every other person thinks you both are perfect: Your parents think you guys are made for each other, your siblings can’t wait to cut asoebi materials. Your friends keep saying how lucky you are to have a man, him. When you post a photo of the both of you on IG, there’s almost like a thousand likes and 500hundred comments. some of which reads ‘you both are couple goals’, ‘you both should never break up, heaven won’t forgive’, ‘you both should get married already, you inspire me’. Within you, you know that relationship is nothing close to perfect. It is a daily struggle but bcoz other people think you guys are perfect, you rather keep patching it up?
Selena had the balls to walk away even though the world thought they were perfect. She knew they weren’t working and forever is certainly too long to endure. If it’s not working, it’s not working! Don’t paint it! you are not a painter! Don’t always try to patch holes! You are not an Obi oma! Don’t always try to fix things my dear sister. You are not a mechanic! Pls, repeat after me. I…am..not..a..mechanic! Amen?
Don’t die after a breakup: Selena has taught us that we don’t need to die after a heart-wrenching break up. There are other things you can do like pretending to be alright. This is the phase some pple turn motivational writers with quotes like ‘ if you love someone, let them go, if they are yours, they will come back to you’, or ‘you were my cup of tea, but I drink champagne now’. Majority would settle for the usual ‘men are scum’, ‘women are thrash’ rant all over their social media.
I don’t know how best to act after a break up but I know I’m certainly not gonna kill myself. I’m not even dramatic so I won’t go posting cryptic messages all over my pages. I think I will just increase my protein and vitamin intake so my heart can heal in no time. Changing environ works too and making new friends. Don’t kill yourself over a break up. Don’t jump off 3rd mainland bridge. Don’t go plotting any revenge like Taraji P in Tyler Perry’s movie, Acrimony. Don’t devalue yourself becoz of one Boniface who cannot even pronounce parallelogram.
Not every relationship must lead to marriage: First, It is not in the 10 commandment that every relationship must lead to marriage. Sonia Ogbonna once said, ”everyone was sent to our lives for a purpose,but not everyone was meant to stay. Some were meant to teach you things you need to know to continue your journey towards your destiny;but without them. Your paths will split after their mission is complete and that’s not a tragedy but a huge blessing!” in essence Nkechi, the fact that Cletus did not marry you, doesn’t mean you are jinxed. Maybe his own purpose was to teach you how to call it road, not load. Broom not bloom. Rice not lice. Bread not blead. Aunty Dolapo, maybe Seun’s purpose was to teach you how to call it egg not hegg. Answer not hanswer. Eye not hi. Afford not hafford. Dear uncle Boniface, you already know Chioma’s own purpose was to teach you how to pronounce parallelogram right? Thank you!