If after I paid you a visit, you realised your iPhone x max, Philippe Geneva diamond chain wristwatch and your earpiece were missing, please! don’t call me to interrogate me on your iPhone and wristwatch whereabout. I am not a thief and would never stoop as low as an iPhone and wrist watch, only that I may somehow be responsible for your missing earpiece!
One evening on my way back from work, one brother shoulder tapped me. He said he had been trying to get my attention for days but I always had my earpiece on hence never heard him bawl his usual ‘aunty welcome o’. He asked if my intention was to grow deaf, I told him back to sender. Smilingly, he said he liked me regardless and would want to start something serious with me but on the condition that I would have to choose between him and my earpiece. My laughter knew no bounds as I genuinely told him that if they dropped him and a damaged earpiece, I’d choose the earpiece over and over again. After what seemed like a 5 second silence, he said thank you and wandered off🤷🏼♀️
You see, Earpiece became a compulsory accessory for me a long time even before I started growing breast. while others were busy saying they can’t go out without bra, mine remained; I can’t go out without my earpiece. When I am in the kitchen, toilet, sleeping, waking, eating, my earpiece is always tightly fixed in my ears and any attempt to disrupt me means you are a witch possessed by 27 marine spirits from 27 Indian rivers.
The easiest way to identify me on my street is ‘the earpiece girl’. That is the baptismal name they have given me here and it was always a pleasure to be called that bcos I know I have a lot to be thankful to my earpiece for.
My earpiece in my ears is the reason I haven’t committed murder all my life as a petite Nigerian lady with small boobs & ass. Imagine I get to hear the tons of bizzare things those conductors, Alaba touts and Yaba boys might say to me when i refuse to buy their oversized pant and bras.
“see her yansh like plasma T. V”.
“sister Kom and buy foam bra and change your story”.
“you for fine but your leg be like upper iweka road onitsha”.
“see as your face be like beans wey wan spoil”.
“See her breast like 10naira buns”
Who would hear these words, bear them, digest them without wanting to kill the persons who uttered them? But then,With my earpiece, I am too deaf to hear anyone blabber.
Also, you’l agree that some songs won’t give you that vibe unless listened to on loud speakers or earpiece so when I’m listening to these songs with my earpiece, My energy level goes through the roof & I easily begin to forget my reality as a Nigerian. I am in Lagos Nigeria, but when I’m hitting that Rihanna’s song loud on my earpiece,I start to see myself somewhere in Europe. I am in a tête-à-tête with Queen Elizabeth & We are talking life, money & when she’d fix the royal wedding between me & her son, Prince Ifeanyichukwu.
My imaginations are wild when I’m on my earpiece. I could be drinking garri with groundnut and salt in reality but banging some kind of Beyoncé on my earpiece makes me imagine that garri as native vanilla ice cream. When I’m broke & listening to lil Wayne, notorious BIG, Eminem, young Thug, 2 chainz and their likes, I imagine myself at the bank with a big AK-49 shouting “where’s the f*cking money? Gimme the money now or I shoo…oot!”.
When I’m looking at Anthony Joshua’s photos on IG and I’m listening to Breathless by shayne Ward, I imagine Anthony & I are in our bathrobe in one expensive suite in Dubai. He is looking into my eyes and telling me how he is breathless without me. How about when I’m jamming to gospel songs? Steve Crown, Nathaniel Bassey, Don Moen. I see myself in heaven with Angel Michael and we are deliberating on what to tell God when he asks the reason we removed Buhari’s name from the book of life.
When I’m on a bike and I’m listening to a Taylor Swift song on my earpiece with the wind brushing my hair backwards, I imagine I’m riding on a horse somewhere in Rome. I’m going to the palace to see the king; my father to tell him to allow me marry prince Otedola or I kill myself. Depending on the song I’m listening to at a particular moment, I could imaginarily be in Dubai, China, Australia, Canada or somewhere in the US chilling with Trump.
I haven’t seen Otedola in real life but in my imaginations, he is my husband. When my earpiece is jamming in my ears, Dangote is my uncle & Mike Adenuga is my ancestor. With all these happening in my imagination, My physical confidence levels up & I start to catwalk up and down, whining my waist and I’d lip sync till
eternity battery dies. My sister has questioned the reason I preferred to use earpiece instead of just listening to the song on my normal phone speaker but how can I perfectly imagine a vacation with Anthony Joshua in Los Angeles when in my background I’ll be hearing stuff like ” Up nepaaa!!!! ”
Dear Readers, The thing now is, it’s been two days since I last played any song or used my earpiece but I can still hear songs jamming inside my ears. I have cleaned my ears severally yet Despacito is on repeat inside there. When I receive calls I barely hear well. I keep saying ehn ehn ehn until someone’s credit exhausts.
My ears are popping. When I yawn or swallow, I feel sharp pains in both ears. As I type this, Tiwa savage and wizkid’s fever is about to play inside my ears . It’s difficult to sleep or focus. The consequences of my earpiece addiction is now a nightmare to me even in broad daylight but I believe in my heart that I am not the only one who is/has suffered from this strange addiction. If you have suffered & conquered it in the past, please which anti-earpiece drug did you use? Did you have to meet with a therapist? Were you quarantined? How about my ears? Am I already experiencing partial deafness? Someone has advised me to pour a teaspoon of warm palm oil in both ears to get a relief but what if? Right now, I need all the prayers I can get becos I don’t want to become deaf even before I find a husband in this wicked world.
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